Rooms on Fire

Seventh.

'Do you want the good news first or do you want the bad news?' Dr. van Heel asks as he ushers us back into his office. Stevie and I sit down and I grab her hand. I'm pretty sure that I am the one who will be receiving the bad news. I don't think it is leukemia, or anything else that serious, Dr. van Heel is too upbeat but something is definitely wrong with one of us.

'Lets get the bad news over with,' I say quietly.

'Okay then,' Dr. van Heel says gently, 'Kate, I ran a blood test for something called rheumatoid factor, do you know what that is?'

I shake my head and look to Stevie, she looks worried.

'It is an antibody in the blood that is present in certain autoimmune diseases, most notably rheumatoid arthritis. You have high levels of this antibody, and in conjunction with your other symptoms, I am confident diagnosing you with rheumatoid arthritis.'

I let out a breath. three of my aunts have rheumatoid arthritis and while it isn't the best diagnosis, it could have been a lot worse. Stevie grips my hand a little tighter as if to confirm that I'll be okay.

'Now, rheumatoid arthritis isn't curable but it is treatable. I suspect that you developed it while you were pregnant with Julia. No one really understands why but pregnant women are at elevated risk of developing autoimmune diseases. Normally you would be prescribed a drug called methotrexate, but you would not be able to breastfeed while taking it. However, there is a new drug called anakinra. It will allow you to keep breastfeeding and to live a more normal life than methotrexate. I am going to refer you to my colleague, Dr. Milford. She is a rheumatologist and will be able to discuss this with you in more detail. In the meantime I am going to prescribe you Tylenol 3 for the pain.' Dr. van Heel continues.

'So what is the good news?' Stevie asks.

'This doesn't happen very often in women of your age and I asked for the test to be run twice to confirm the results, you are pregnant. It is difficult to tell you how long you are along without a sonogram but based on my physical examination and on what you told me earlier, I would guess that you are between 20 and 25 weeks along. I also ordered an AFP test, abnormal levels of AFP indicate potential fetal defects, your AFP levels are within normal range, while that doesn't mean you are out of the woods, it does suggest that the fetus is likely healthy. Now, pregnancy at 53 is rare and it carries its risks so I am going to refer you to a high-risk OB/GYN. That said based on your physical exam you are presently in good health and there is no reason to believe that you can't maintain a healthy pregnancy,' by the time Dr. van Heel finishes speaking he is grinning. Next to me, Stevie's free hand had flown to her stomach the second Dr. van Heel had said 'pregnant'. Tears are flowing freely down her cheeks and down mine.

She is too overcome to speak so I speak for her, 'thank you Dr; van Heel,' I say and I am still choked up.

'Thank you,' Stevie eventually says as I get out things together, her hand is firmly planted on her belly and I can tell she can't quite believe that there is a baby. When I was pregnant it was a topic which had come up often. Stevie had always wanted children but when she was younger the timing had never been right and then when it was she found herself unable to get pregnant. Letting go had been hard. She had told me that when she met me it felt like fate. It had felt like she had finally found completion. It felt like that for me too. This baby, this miracle. They are just a bonus.

---

We lay in bed that night, neither of us able to sleep, both my and Stevie's hands resting on her stomach. I have just given Julia her night feed and the sound oh her even breathing is keeping me grounded, centred in a reality that has suddenly gotten very surreal.

'Are you okay?' Stevie whispers into the dark.

'I'm terrified. I don't know how we do this. I don't know how we take care of two babies who are four or five months apart with me sick and you needing to tour.' I whisper back.

'I don't need to tour. I don't want to either. I've been thinking about cancelling the second leg of my tour since Julia was born. I don't want to leave her. I don't want to leave you. I've always loved the road. Even on the bad tours, even when I was strung out I loved it. I've never felt anchored to a place before, I've never wanted to be but then I met you.' Stevie says and she is crying again. I can feel my breasts becoming uncomfortably heavy as she does, my hormones unable to tell the difference between my crying child who needs food and my crying girlfriend who needs comfort but I say nothing, I know she needs the release and I'm not going to deny her.

'Are you okay?' I echo her earlier question.

'I'm scared too. I'm scared for you. I'm scared for this baby. I don't know how I am going to do this. I don't know if my body can do this. I am terrified of losing the baby. I can handle the baby not being perfect. I don't care if the baby has Down Syndrome. If they have cerebral palsy, whatever. I don't care but I don't know if I can handle losing her.' Stevie lets out a sigh.

'I know my beautiful girl, I know,' I respond.

'I love you,' Stevie says, 'will you still love me, even if something goes wrong. Will you be able to love my baby if she isn't perfect?'

'Yes.' I reply simply, emphatically.

'Okay,' Stevie replies, curling up against me.

'I love you,' I respond with a yawn, closing my eyes.