Rooms on Fire

Eighth.

Adjusting to life with a chronic illness hasn't been easy, not that I expected it to be. I've been on the anakinra for three weeks now and my body is bruised and sore from the daily injections. Dr. Milford says that over time my body will get used to the injections and the soreness and bruising will decrease. I have to have blood tests every two weeks to monitor my progress and make sure I haven't developed neutropenia, which would leave me vulnerable to severe infection, anakinra works by modifying the immune system and that can be a side effect. Some days are better than others with the symptoms. I had developed anemia because of the arthritis and that was the cause of my breathlessness, the anemia is improving rapidly so that is less of an issue but I am still tired, I still hurt, and I have started getting fevers, it is something that happens with rheumatoid arthritis sometimes but I am doing the best I can, taking advantage of my good days and allowing myself to rest on my bad. It is hard to relinquish control, hard to let Stevie take over most of Julia's care on the bad days but I am learning that the consequence of ignoring my body and giving it the rest it needs is more bad days.

Julia is a delight. She smiles now. She stays awake longer and interacts more. She is so beautiful. Her hair is blonde and curly and she inherited the most beautiful blue-green eyes from her father. Stevie thinks she looks like me but I think that is that we have the same hair. I think she looks like my dad. My dad is half-Irish, half-Dutch and his features are more Germanic than mine, I think hers are too. She is such a good baby. She seems to understand that her mama's need their rest. On my worst days, one smile from her can make me forget my pain. Make my worries melt away.

Stevie is 29 weeks pregnant now and she is finally beginning to relax, she has reached the point where the baby would likely survive if they were to be born. She has spent the last month walking on eggshells no matter how many times Dr. McDonough, her OB/GYN has told her that everything looks fine. The baby is growing and healthy and so is she. Every little niggle has her on edge. She obsessed about the small size of her baby bump. She still does through she is less anxious now that she has progressed from looking bloated to definitively pregnant. She love being pregnant. She marvels at every movement the baby makes. Her placenta has implanted anteriorly, which meant it took longer for her to be able to feel the baby moving. Stevie has elected against having an amniocentesis. She was 25 weeks along when we found out about the baby and it was too late to do anything even if there had been a problem. Not that Stevie would have. She is far too attached to the baby. We know the risks but thus far everything is smooth sailing. Because of her age Stevie has sonograms every two weeks. The doctors are worried that the placenta will stop working efficiently earlier than it would in a younger woman. It is a common complication of pregnancy after 45. We just look at it as an opportunity to get to see our baby more and so far the baby is right on track. We don't know the gender for certain. Stevie decided she didn't want to find out but I'm fairly sure it is a boy. It is just a feeling I have. I would live a little boy, one of each just feels right to me.

I wake up to the sound of the radio acting as an alarm. I've never been a morning person and being ill has made it even harder to wake up and get on with the day. Julia usually wakes around 7:30 so I set the alarm for 7:15. Stevie is already up, Julia is too. I can hear her singing softly to Julia from her nursery. I get up and find that movement isn't too hard today. On my worst days it can take an hour or more to get out of bed, the stiffness and pain are at their worst in the morning and Stevie often has to bring Julia to me for her morning feed. The fatigue isn't too bad either. I feel like I have gotten a good night of rest. Between the baby and the arthritis that is a rarity these days. Today is going to be a good day. I walk to the nursery and am greeted by the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Stevie is standing in the middle of the room wearing nothing but a matching black bra and pantie set, made of a soft microfiber, she has sensitive skin and lace tends to irritate so she saves the really pretty, sexy stuff for special occasions, and a full-length silk robe. It is white with violet flowers and she is wearing it open, revealing her milky skin, she is holing Julia, who is wearing only a diaper to her chest, skin-to-skin, Julia loves nothing more, she has loved it since the day she was born. Stevie rocks her back and forth gently as she sings. The morning light streams in the large window and Stevie looks like an angel. The sight brings tears to my eyes.