the city // dan howell

part 22 // live with me

don't go changing. you mean everything to me. and hope, you shine a light... that covers me. my love for you grows stronger when we are apart.
so set me apart.
we can build our own family; one day.. we will. but for now, wait. so ill share your time, for a time as you travel the seas... as you travel. and its hard, i know, it dont feel right when we are apart... but we will grow taller together, ill be known by the strength of your heart. my love for you grows stronger when we are apart.

tydes pov:
ring
ring
ring
ring
ring
r
no caller id. weird. could be a project manager. let me pick up.
"hello?"
"tyde"
i knew that voice the second it poured through the speakers and filled the empty space of my home. its been 2 months but that would never be enough for me to forget him. no time in the world would be enough for me to forget him. someone tweeted recently, that you never really stop loving someone.
"danny... i-"
"im outside your door. can you please open."
my phone dropped to the ground as i carefully maneuvered my way from my bedroom to my front door. i didn't know what to expect, and i was scared. where was he? what does he look like? does he still love me? he doesnt know what i look like. what will he think? im so thin, and my hair hasnt been brushed in days... its embarrassing.
the door handle creaked as i slowly opened the passage.
his hair.
its so. its so long. ive never seen it like that.
ive never seen his eyes more purple either.
or his shoulders more slumped.
or his lips more downturned.
or his expression... so... lifeless.
that's the word.
he was lifeless.
"danny, boy, hey..."
i tried to pull him in for a hug but he flinched away. stepping back, face aghast, i looked at him. he looked hurt. he stepped forward and returned the gesture, perhaps out of guilt, or perhaps because he needed it, as he burst into tears the second his head hit my shoulder.
and so, we stood there, in my doorframe, with a once powerful boy completely broken sobbing, and a once confused girl.... still confused.
"daniel, shhhh, lets go to my bed, we can talk about this, puppy, shhhh"
he didnt want to listen, but he did, and parted from my side, marching to the bedroom as i closed my apartment door.
when i entered my bedroom, he was already curled up on my bed and rocking a pillow back and forth. "baby, let me have that..." i cooed, peeling the pillow away from his hands. "whats wrong? we dont have to talk, you dont have to tell me where youve been, you can just cry in my arms.... but i figure you came here for a reason. if its any comfort, i love you."
"its not... its not comfort. but i can't expect you to know that when ive kept you in the dark. im not going to apologize for that, however. my brother. zach. he...."
"hey, im here for you," i whisper as i pet his hair, holding him close as his voice cracks and his eyes water.
"he killed himself. he promised me he wouldn't and that he was okay and i didnt answer his call that one time because i thought it couldnt have been that important because he PROMISED HE PROMISED he was okay tyde he promised he p .... h... he..."
he's full sobbing right now. theres nothing i can do besides hug him. so i do.
we hug.
we hug all night. he cries all night. its the exchange he needed.
its the exchange i think i needed too.
im glad hes safe.
i hope that here, he feels safe.
he needs to heal.
------
"tyde... i .... phil... i need to text.....hhhh...."
"shhh beautiful shhhh, you just woke up. let me make you breakfast fir-"
"tyde. phil. wheres my phone."
i didnt realize that meant so much to him. i need to be more gentle. hes so fragile. two months is not nearly enough to get over the death of a loved one. no time is enough. you'll never truly heal. you can accept and move on, but it'll always hurt.
"here baby here. im sorry"
"im not a baby"
"im sorry"
hes hurting.
ill go make him my chocolate pancakes. he needs to eat. he has to. hes so thin. i can tell he hasnt cared about his appearance.

i can hear him whispering to phil on the phone. i dont know what about, and that's not for me to know. i blend up my date sauce to pour over my double chocolate vegan pancakes; something sweet can always brighten the heavy hearted.
i chop up his favorite fruit, nectarines, into bite size cubes and plate them to the side of the pancakes along with a tall glass of almond milk. vanilla. as i bring the towering tray into my bedroom, he hangs up with phil. its either calculated or coincidence. it doesnt hurt me.
"hey, pretty boy, i made you something to eat. you look like you havent been."
he takes the tray. success number one.
"tyde, i have an important question to ask you."
"anything for you, howell."
"anything?"
"yeah."
"can i live here with you. and... when you have to leave in 3 months... dont. ill pay off whatever i need to to get you to move to london."
my heart stops.
move to london?
move to london. that's what he asked. its drastic. its bold. ive known him for two months. is it worth it? to risk it?
hes broken.
he has so much more to lose than me.
except....
my career. its all based in new york. no bands come here.
i can travel.
he said hed pay.
with what money?
he doesnt work
he hasn't worked
not in
not in 2 months
i
my mind
is
racing
m
m
move to
move to london
i love him
i love him
ill move to london.

ive been waiting all this time
i miss you
i miss you
ive been waiting all this time
i kiss you
i kiss you
forever... ago

author's note:
hi i havent worked on this in years and my writing style has obviously changed but lowkey i think i might be turning into a phannie again so. more updates could be coming. phannie tyde ignite.