the city // dan howell

part 23// sex

dans pov:
"ok."
my plan worked. she said yes. i wasnt expecting that. im not sure where to even go from here. my eyes... water. its nice to have someone new care. my family cares, but theyre tangled up in their own struggles. phil cares, but the romantic attention i used to get from him has long expired and we are nothing but platonic, which is nice and all good, but not what i need right now.
i need a body.
on top of me.
a distraction.
i kiss her.
"dan-"
"shhhh tyde. shh"
and with that, i kiss her again. she doesnt say anything this time. she doesnt say anything the entire time i take off her clothes, and she watches me say nothing as she grins taking off mine.
shes perfect.
i want her to be mine.
she starts to talk as i slide into her, but not with words. she communicates with her body- her proximity lets me know she cares. lets me know she wants this as much as i do, wants to give me this as much as i want it.
so we fuck.
i havent fucked a girl in so long.
her body feels right against mine.
i could do this every day.
she looks as me as she finishes; "dan, are you okay?"
the funny thing is, youre always okay up until someone asks you. whenever they ask, you immediately are not okay.
and let me explain one thing: i was not okay. she knew it, too; she knew it while my eyes teared up. she knew it while she hugged my naked body, knowing words could never replace touch. she knew it while she gently placed my shirt over my head. she knew it while she brushed my hair and tugged me by the hand to leave the apartment. she knew it while she held my hand atop the london eye. she knew it. and she knew how to make me feel better.
thats why she belongs in london with me.
i want to feel.
feel anything, at this point.
feel better, a long term goal.