swallows- soulmate au

fourteen

We all knew in our hearts that that was the end.
I remember feeling like a part of me had shattered into light, then nothing. Woke up in hospital and she was nowhere to be found. I remember wanting to panic, wanting to force any feelings out, but I couldn't.
I was a shell of a human.

Turns out she died a few hours after I passed out.
It was Haru who broke the news to me. His face was expressionless, but I could tell he was hiding a lot of emotion.
I didn't feel anything.
Normally when someone you love dies, you do something. Cry, throw things, cut yourself off from everyone.
I did nothing.
Maybe that was the wrong idea.
Feeling nothing gets heavy after a while.
After a while, you have to make yourself feel something.

-

I sit up in my new comfy chair, rereading the letter I received in the post. This would be the fifth time I've read it. Realistically, no one is taught what to do if their soulmate dies before they were supposed to, so when they do the government has to step in.
Except in case of suicides, like my case. Then they get world leaders involved for solutions.
At least they say Alex's death was a suicide.
I can't get my head around the fact that she's gone.

I still feel nothing, but it's the kind of nothing that clings to your legs and gets inside your head and won't leave. The heavy type of nothing.
I've read this letter five times and not a single word has sunk in. I read it again.
I was told at hospital not to look at my collarbone, but the letter says I'd be ready by now. I tug the neck of my sweater and take a look.
Nothing.
I'm almost relieved.
I don't think I'd be able to take it if it hadn't faded.
According to the letter, once your soulmate has died the tattoos on both of you fade unless you die together. In my case, I shouldn't really be assigned a new soulmate tattoo, which would've showed up by now apparently.
I'm supposed to mourn for the rest of my life.
I toss the letter to the ground. Mochi waddles on and sniffs it. He rests on Alex's old armchair. I think he misses her. I still feel nothing.
Far away in the corner of my mind I hear the door opens and a figure steps in.

"Yuzu, it's me. I've got a visitor."
I look up and Haru is leaning on the doorway, accompanied by a nervous-looking Ola with light blue hair. She notices me staring and grins, tucking some behind her ear. "Can I come sit down?"
"Sure. Haru, can you make some tea?" My voice doesn't sound like mine.
"Roger." He tucks his Adidas jacket around my shoulders and ambles into the kitchen.

Ola sits on the chair next to mine and leans in slightly. I relax at this gesture. "What do you have to tell me?"
"I did some research on why you're feeling like this?"
"Feeling like what?" I manage a weak laugh. "I don't have feelings anymore, Aleksandra."
"That's what I'm trying to say, Isabel." She mock-pouts at me and brings up a block of text on her phone. "Says here that when a soulmate dies of unfortunate causes-"
"Suicide or murder."
"Basically," Ola says. "When they die like that, the emotions of their other half die with them. When Alex died, what did you feel?"
"Like my body was being split apart." Haru arrives with tea and I accept my cup gratefully. Ola leaves hers to brew and carries on reading off the screen.
"Sufferers will feel a lightning strike blow to the area of their soulmate tattoo and in many cases enter a coma. As of yet, there is no cure for the lack of emotions or empathy that follows such a coma, and ways to cope are still being developed."
"So I'm stuck like this."
"Yeah." She looks away, then reaches up and pats my head. "Izzy, I'm so sorry."

Once Haru comes over, the conversation changes direction. I learn that Ola is getting married in a few months, and Haru and I are best man and maid of honour, respectively (Haru wanted to be maid of honour. Ola said no). After that, there's a big trip to Europe with all my friends going, including Wil from campus? Haru just winks when I question it. As we keep talking I notice something.
They're protecting me. From myself.
Though they can't distract me forever.

I learn later that day that Eli left the country with Josh after Alex's death. I also learn that I have to go back to uni in two weeks for my final and a few meetings, though I'm not worried about that.
Throughout all this, the news I should've felt things about, I've felt nothing.
A deeper nothing than usual.
Deep down, something is stirring.

-
three months later.

The clock reads 3:43am, February 18th.
It's snowing outside when I jolt awake.
I'm in so much pain. This is the most I've felt in so long, after so much time getting used to the agony of nothing, my body is alive with the worst pain I've felt in my life and it's beautiful. I scream out for help but I choke on blood, staining my sheets with red spatters.
All of a sudden, the pain stops.
It's replaced by what feels like warmth blossoming within me.
Then, everything hits at once.
Everything I haven't felt since Alex died I feel.
My body hits the ground and I'm about to run, away from here, up to the roof to suffer the same fate as Alex, when something touches my face.
I look up into the eyes of someone who died long ago, all the old feelings for her rushing back to me in a wave of sadness and regret.
She wipes my face with her sleeve and kisses my head. She speaks and her voice comes from both inside my head and the corner of the room.
"Don't cry. I'm okay now. I'll wait, I promise."
She turns away and she's gone.
I sit up.

I can feel.

I'm astounded, sad yet happy, and a melancholy calm has settled like the snow outside.
In the dim light coming from my window, I notice something.
My reflection looks different.
In the corner of my eye is a little glitch.
I look closer and it clears to form a tiny orange phoenix, almost unnoticeable unless you try to notice it.

My phone rings, but I don't answer. I pick it up and shove it in my pocket.
Without thinking, I step out of the apartment and out into the snowy street.

don't wait around.
she's here, of course she is.
all you have to do is look.
won't you come find me?

fin.