Devils and Angels

xxxvi. too numb to feel

n e f e l i b a t a

cloud-walker

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ELLA TOOK A SEAT BESIDE me on the front step, peering at me with concern. Her red hair fell in disarray around her face, matted by hours of running her fingers through it. Even now, her fingers threaded through the wild strands, tugging and weaving them in a frantic mess.

"You don't look okay," She observed, her green eyes glimmering. "Do you want me to drive you to be with Dyl? Finn won't be home for a little while."

"I'm fine." A false smile pulled at my lips, and I knew Ella clocked this straight away. "Well, I'm not. But Dylan needs to be there―she'd want him to be there. I don't want to interrupt that. Besides, it'd be...disrespectful, for me to show my face there."

"Same," She hummed, bobbing her head in agreement. "Truth be told, I never got along with her either. She insisted on Mrs Collins, right until the very end."

"That sounds like her." I smiled sadly, because in all honestly, I had no clue. To me, my mother was violent and vindictive and virulent―I didn't see her as a person. I saw her as a turbulent storm of everything that was cruel and callous in the world. It was strange to think of her as anything other than the witch that ruined my childhood.

"You have no clue, do you?" Ella stared at me, and I nodded, unable to lie to her. "I know what that's like. My mum died before I was born, and I only have what people tell me of her. But...it's better than the alternative. She didn't make the choice to leave me, and it wasn't up to her that she couldn't raise me. I'm lucky in that respect. Lucky that she loved me for as long as she could. And I'm sorry you couldn't have the same luck."

"Yeah." I brought my knees to my chest as best as I could, hugging them tightly. "Me too."

"Shit," She murmured, smoothing back my hair. "I didn't mean to upset you, Kat. I'm here for a while, so I'll make you dinner, alright?"

"Alright," I echoed, not watching her as her voice became faded by distance. "Thanks, El."

I love you so much, you're more motherly than she ever was―,

"I love you too." She breathed, and when I glanced up, locking eyes with her, her own were wet with tears. "You were thinking it. I know you were. And I promise I love you like my own sister, Kat. Forever."

I nodded, closing my eyes to the tears encapsulating my lashes and blurring the world around me.

Forever.

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Footsteps echoed up the stone path, barely audible over the hammering in my ears. I lifted my head, groggy and disoriented, opening my sleep-blurred eyes to a pair of jean-clad legs, engulfing my vision.

They bent in front of me, before turning to the side. Rough denim pressed up against my thigh, before shifting away slightly, and a plaster cast arm hung between us, uncertain.

"You didn't come at lunchtime. I waited. Felt a little idiotic when people started to go to fifth, and I was still waiting for you," He said with an easy chuckle, trying to extract a response.

"Yeah, well maybe I had other places to be," I snapped on instinct, before dropping back onto the palms of my hands. "..I'm sorry. That wasn't meant to come out that way."

"I figured." He smiled, soft dimples forming in his cheeks. "It was really selfish of me to bring it up, anyway."

"No, no." I put a hand up to stop him. "I said I'd be there, but...stuff came up," I added delicately, swallowing.