Devils and Angels

xxviii. eyes that brim with tears

g u s m u s s e r v i

moonlight shining on water

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JESS TOOK A SIP OF my coffee from the scalding cup, scrunching her nose up at the strong, bitter flavour. Her lips curled with distaste, and she pushed the mug away from her with the butt of her palm.

"I don't know how you stand it," She said, hurriedly washing her mouth out with sweet, herbal tea to remove the taste. "Honestly, can't you be normal for once in your life, Kat?"

"We're in a coffee shop," I argued pointedly, gesturing to the neon sign and aroma of coffee wafting through the warm air. "If anyone's abnormal, it's you, Jessa."

"Touche." She rolled her turquoise eyes, flipping her phone over and over on the table. "I can't believe how long it's been since we've met up like this. Has Derek really been taking up that much of my time?"

"As if I'd let Der-bear steal my friend." I snorted, poking my tongue out at her. "If anything, he's the one who'd have trouble getting between us. Not the other way around."

"Too right." She grinned, leaning back in her chair and tipping her head back to face the ceiling.

Conversation flowed around us, easy and natural; bustling tables crowded with people bundled in multi-coloured hats and scarves, thick coats, and gloved fingers grasping scorching paper cups.

For once, it was just Jessa and I, without the additional parties of Derek and Henry tagging along. It'd been a long time since we'd been like this―the two of us, fussing over hot drinks and grinning in spite of everything―and I'd missed her.

She was the closest thing I had to a best friend, and since Archie's passing, we needed each other more than ever.

But instead of opening ourselves up to that fact, we had been dancing around it; avoiding the tasteless, acrid subject that lurked on the tips of each of our tongues, that we doused with subject changes and feigned ignorance. Jessa knew it as well as I did, but both of us were just hesitant to admit it.

It was hard to stumble on, and even harder to confess, but we were drowning in things we couldn't even see; everything that we blinded ourselves to instead of tackling head-on.

Archie had become every discomforting word lodged in each of our throats that we couldn't speak, because each thought was more acidic and murderous than the last, and there were only so many ways you could dodge the obvious that bled from our tongues and the world around us.

"We should be talking about it." I voiced the obvious, twisting my hair around my finger. "I thought you'd be the first to bring it up."

"I didn't think you'd want to," She replied, and her tone held a hint of monotony. "Kat, I know you. I know you've already pushed him to the back of your mind and done away with him. Like you do with everything else."

"Jessa..." I could see the blame in her eyes―settled over the warmth of her metallic irises. "It's not like that, I still think about him all the time, but―you know, I can't―I can't constantly be held back, because he wouldn't want me to be, and..."

"I get it," Jessa interrupted me. "God, you'd have to be blind to say that you don't care, and are trying to forget him, but...I don't know, Kat. I just don't know."

"Well, I don't know either, Jessa." I bit my lip, extirpating the meaning from my words if only to make them easier to grit out. "It's just about trying to move forward, because he's just―he's not here, anymore."