Devils and Angels

vii. the taste of jealousy

i n d u r a t i z e

to harden one's heart

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I WASN'T AWARE OF HOW far my heart had been flying until it crashed back down into the depths of my stomach, roaring in an inferno that seared and blazed―bitter and acidic, lapping at the pit of my torso. 

I stood in the doorway of my form room, wanting to scrub at my eyes to remove her taint from the familiar picture; exterminate her touch from Ayden's hand. 

But those thoughts were unfair; I forced myself to swallow them from where they lingered, an acrid, sour taste, on the tip of my tongue, as I ventured further into the room, murmuring my greetings before locking gazes with the newcomer with the faintest traces of a smile touching at my lips.

Whether it was entirely sincere or not, was a question for later, I found. How could it not be, when I was looking in the face of someone who had everything I wanted?

"Hi!" She bared her teeth at me in a glossy-lipped grin, offering a manicured hand for mine to shake. "I'm Elizabeth. And you are...?"

"I'm Katya." I took her hand and shook it, her palm pale and cold against mine. Just like her eyes, I noticed, pinned in place by the icy daggers of her irises, frozen over like a lake in Winter, drawn with lines of frictional blades against the cold. "Welcome to the school, I guess." 

"Thanks." The grin fell from her lips in graceful descent as she stepped back, releasing herself into the arm Ayden wrapped around her waist comfortably. "It's great to finally meet all of you. Ayden's told me so much about you guys, especially Jess and Archie!"

Her eyes flickered to mine as she spoke, and I shifted uncomfortably, eyebrows stitching into a frown. Had Ayden not told her about me at all? How did he explain long pauses in conversation and late nights with a girl who wasn't her―how did he omit years of friendship, the growth of feelings, and every little moment we'd shared, all before her whirlwind explosion into his life? 

"Any girlfriend of my friend is a girl friend of mine," Archie joked, nudging his knuckles against her arm. His tone was deadpan and his arm weighted, and I mentally questioned his sincerity as I did my own.

Maybe I didn't understand him after all.

"Well, it's been great meeting you too." Jess smiled, eyes scrunching from the force driving her lips up her cheeks. "You're in my first lesson, aren't you? Shall we go?"

"Yeah, okay." Elizabeth linked her arm with Jessalyn, her blonde hair fusing with the brown of Jess'. It was a nostalgic sight, because it had been a while since I'd stood with Jess like that, and nothing felt like she was replacing me more than when she stood with my best friend. "Let's go!" 

Waving their goodbyes, they disappeared in synchronised footsteps and tentative, yet eager smiles, paling in the gold of the sun and looking like they'd been born in neighbouring cradles, joined at the hip since birth. 

I felt out of place, like I suddenly didn't belong.

"I'm going to go to my lesson now," I blurted, though no one was listening or caring, starting to shuffle back, shoes scuffing against the gravel. "See you guys later." 

There was no response, not that I was expecting one, and I preferred the lack of assent for it allowed me to disappear into the silence, tucking my fingers into the scarf wound around my neck. 

I wasn't the first to arrive for Statistics, and couldn't decide whether I liked it or not―there was a strange, magnetic pull to solitude I was feeling, but then there was a need to surround myself with people other than Archie and Ayden and Jess and Elizabeth, because I still had the strongest feeling that I'd wake up in the morning and she'd be gone,