Devils and Angels

iii. the absence of heart

f i l i p e n d u l o u s

hanging by a thread

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TRUTH BE TOLD, I WAS lying to my teacher when I told her I had a doctor's appointment.

I'd slunk off to the toilets before lessons, facing a reflection that blurred too much to be my own, then had met up with Ayden on my way to period one History. Not noticing my not-quite-focusing gaze, he had wasted no time in wrapping his arms around me, his ecstatic grin like the sun searing through clouds on a blessed Spring morning―still hopelessly out of reach. 

He'd walked me, arm linked in mine, the warmth of our elbows pressing together, then had nudged me into the monotonous security of my classroom, where I'd eyed the rows upon rows of students sitting straight, gazes aligned to the edges of the whiteboard, and had sunk back into him with a smirk. He'd laughed, told me he'd see me later, and had swaggered off to his own lesson, a two-finger salute aimed in my direction as he disappeared around the corner. 

My fingers drummed against the table as the lesson went over my head in a breeze of air―my seat partner told me to quit it, slapping my fingers, but the glare I reciprocated with was mindless, since I was too busy thinking about everything else.

My mother, and breakups, and my father, and the cold look that had iced over her eyes and the way her hands had shook and trembled, and the blood that seemed to be everywhere, even when it was still in my throat, its metallic tang filling my mouth and spilling over my tongue. 

When the lesson ended, I was the first to push my way out through the double doors, and though Henry caught me by the shoulders, offering to walk with me, I was shaking my head, pulling away. 

"Are you alright, Kat?" His eyebrows dipped with concern. Dirty blonde hair fell in waves over his forehead, but didn't quite shadow the tenderness locked in his grey-blue eyes. "You look spaced out."

My shoulders sunk, and I tipped my head back with a groan. Was it too early for questions, or was I just being over-sensitive? 

Whatever it was, I attributed it to time spent with Caspian, that seemed to have sent me hurtling over an edge I didn't even see coming, like a blindsided car crash with the windows down, shattering in my ears long after every other sense had faded into oblivion.

"Is this how I normally act, Hen?" I asked, tensing myself, leaning into the arm he draped over my shoulders. "All...cold and mean."

"Well, yeah, it's how you've always acted," He admitted, squeezing my shoulder. "But I don't think that's the answer you wanted to hear." 

"It's really not," I murmured, kicking my feet with each step. "I haven't heard anyone tell me I'm too hyper, or too energetic. It's all tone down the attitude, and calm down, and why are you being so mean? and I miss the former, I guess."

"People change, Katya. Usually for the better." He shrugged in helplessness, guiding me out of the way of other absent-minded strollers. "That's all I can say."

"Not helpful, Henry." I sighed, and he grinned, albeit half-heartedly, still twinged with concern.

"It's what I'm here for," He said, raising his hands in surrender. "Sorry, Kat, I dunno how to help you out here,"  

"It's fine, I'm being stupid," I paused, and a beat passed. "Hey, forget I said anything. I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind."

"I don't think you are either," He agreed with little shame or reluctance, his hand slipping from my shoulder and latching to my wrist to usher me inside. "But hey, you've got a whole lifetime to change things. Who cares, right?"