My Love

How long can a one sided love last? Before it totally destroys the lovers state of mind.

I find myself wondering every day as the pain in my chest grows stronger.

It’ll go for some time , but never long enough to let me recover from the period of insanity that comes with it.

I wonder when i’ll finally get enveloped in it and just go insane , and lose all mentality of myself in the abyss.

I’m starting to believe that maybe I wouldn’t mind just..going. Going anywhere and maybe shove myself into a routine where I have no time to think.

Then again , I don’t believe that’d work.

I have a feeling that i’ve become irrational around you. Emotion and feelings aren’t in my nature. I’ve learnt as soon as I was born that , I just can’t let myself rely on these things. They would bring me down and I’d be tormented forever.

My only option then was to destroy these feelings forever , replace these weak feelings with strength , power and confidence.

When I was little , the first lesson pounded into me was that showing weakness would bring you down. All I wanted was to have people want to be near me. I learned by observing everyone else , that I had to be strong. Never cry , never flee. Always turn and fight.

Thats what I did.

I’ve kept to these rules of mine , in order to survive. Never to give in to the urges of the weaker side of me.

I’ve been strict with myself and i’ve managed to keep going forward.

Until you.

It was all your fault. I remember little of how I met you , even then I didn’t have a shred of feeling for you. You were just some guy who spoke to me. I didn’t care , I didn’t even give you a second thought. 

Until it was jumped on me that I was moving.

My uncle decided to rip me out of my planned life and dig me a new hole somewhere else.

But really , I didn’t care. I had trained myself that letting people go was just like breathing. Easy.

I had made no close friends and no real connections , so leaving was easy.

I never knew , I would get so high , then fall so so hard.

CHAPTER 1

My new life was beginning now. The house i’m in is stiff , like an old lady. Every floor board and every step had its own musical noise. A clear creaking that echoes its way through the silent house.

I knew no one here , and I had no intention of bothering to meet anyone.

They’d either reject me or betray me. Like everyone else had.

I had learned not to leave myself in any ones hands.

Lying on my stiff mattress , in my new airless room,

I wondered , how long till people find out who I am? How long until i’m used again? How long until I feel the pain of my life?

My endless questions , as usual , came with no answer. Only more questions. My head buzzed and throbbed. My body aching from the days it had been through.

Was being used my only purpose?

I sigh and roll onto my side. Today might have been too much. Only a few hours ago had I left my old school.

The smiles of my class mates as they wished my good luck were all blurry. I can’t remember a single face , name or smile.

Were they even really smiling at me?