Close Your Eyes, Come With Me

XII

Jack woke, shivering violently from being outside all night, to a boot to the shoulder. "Hey, move along, kid! No loitering."

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, mumbling a half-hearted apology. The cop kicked him again.

"I got the picture, I'm goin'," Jack grumbled as he stood.

"He's just fine, officer. Thank you!" Medda's too-cheerful-too-early voice chirped from a short way down the street.

Jack grinned in spite of his sore shoulder and pounding headache. The officer didn't know there was no kindness in that tone. He puffed up as Medda neared him.

"I'm doing my job, ma'am. Whether or not this vagrant is with you--"

"My property, my consent to his presence," Medda said, stepping right up to the officer. "Go pick on someone your own size. If you ain't too afraid to, that is."

The officer huffed and puffed as he stormed away. Medda turned to Jack. His smiled quickly faded.

After a moment of silence, she asked him, "I take it you left that coward we talked about behind?"

Jack didn't remember the last time he cried. He didn't expect the tears until he was already sobbing against her chest. She held him tight and pulled him inside without a word. Jack knew she had work to do, but she made no move to turn anything on or open any doors. She just sank to the ground with him and held him close while he cried and cried. Neither of them spoke. He was grateful for that.

After he felt rightly dehydrated, Jack started to slow down. He was the first to break the silence.

"I don't want this," he choked.

"Oh, honey," Medda pulled him even closer. "It's gonna be all right."

"No it ain't. How- how can ya say that?" Jack almost broke down again.

"Because you are very, very strong. And you've been the same way all your life. Only difference is now you know it," she said.

Jack lifted his face a bit to stop muffling his words. "But what do I do now that I knows?"

Medda leaned back, hands on his shoulders. "The same you've been doing. Making art. Helping kids. Dreaming your dream. None of that has to go away. You're still Jack."

"I don't like Jack," Jack said. "I don't wanna be Jack."

Medda squeezed him again. "Don't take Jack away from me just because you're worried over what will happen because of one part of him."

"I'm scared," Jack sobbed. "And one a the others knows now. Because I'm stupid. And I think I hurt Crutchie."

"Slow down, hon. Tell me what happened."

So, Jack did. He told her how he'd been thinking about it all week, how Crutchie always made him feel so strange before, how he thought he might have been feeling that same way towards a different boy- Race- before Crutchie, Race, and how he'd drawn Race in detail once upon a time. He told her that Race had seen it recently, that Jack had been a bit drunk and not thinking and said that word and how he thought Race had tried flirting with him. He told her how he'd used that to upset Crutchie more on purpose because he was upset about being ignored.

"So I don't get it, Miss Medda. Is we all..? Ya know...." Jack trailed off, not wanting to finish.

Medda shrugged. "You all could very well be, Jack. It's more common than you think. Though I wouldn't take your drunk friend too seriously, it does seem possible."

"What do I do?" Jack despaired once more.

"What do you want to do?" Medda asked.

"To not be like this," Jack said.

"You can ignore it, but you can't change it," She said. "Trust me. I've seen a lot in my day. Only bad comes from folks trying to change it. So, if that wasn't a problem, want would you want?"

Jack thought on it a moment, trying not to let fear and disgust cloud his thoughts. He recalled their first night of stargazing, the night when Crutchie made the marriage joke. Jack thought about that night a lot.

"I want... I wanna see him smile. You should see it. When we gets to talkin' and he looks out at the stars," Jack spoke quietly, nervously.

"Mhm?" Medda prompted him.

"I wanna be around him all the time. Well, heh, we do that already. 'Cept for lately," Jack continued. Medda kept nodding, encouraging him. His confidence built. "I want 'im to be happy, 'cause then I'm happy and I ain't worried so much. I wanna put him into my dream, take 'im with me. He hugged me real tight for a long time a while ago while we was talkin' about some serious stuff, and I couldn't... I dunno, handle that and function at the same time 'cause I just wanted ta keep doin' it forever, so I told all the fellas how he was clingin' onto me and bein' soft and they all made fun of him. So... I also wanna take that back so touchin' is easy again."

Jack faltered, running out of things to say. Miss Medda gave him another squeeze and one of her reassuring smiles before she got up and went about to set up for opening. Though Jack's head was still pounding, he felt the pressure in his chest start to give way. He hadn't admitted half of those things to himself yet, let alone out loud. A bit of guilt crossed him. Half the boys at the lodge would do anything to have what he had in Medda. He owed her so much. Carefully, he got up and followed the sounds her movement was making to the room she was in. When he entered, she looked confused, but smiled warmly when he began to help her clean up. He followed her wordlessly throughout the building to help her with the various opening tasks. It was a free front row seat to her softer singing, a voice she never used onstage. It helped ease his headache. Too soon, the sun was creeping up.

"I should get goin', don't wanna show up to no papes left," Jack said.

"Take care of yourself, dear. If you have time, do you think you could swing by this evening? I have a project I'd like you to start," Medda replied.

"Actually, Miss Medda, I think there's a fella I should be meetin' with. We got a talk that's long overdue," Jack said, smiling.

Medda smiled, seeming excited. "Tomorrow, then?"

Jack nodded. "Tomorrow."