Keys to Happiness

30. Key(1)

The alarm on my phone went off at four in the morning and I quickly pressed my hand to the screen to stop Good Morning Baltimore from blaring from the speakers. No matter how much I loved Hairspray, no one wanted to hear it that early in the morning. It was dark outside and the birds still slept just like the girl beside me. I watched her for a minute while reluctance continued to eat away at me, telling me to go back to sleep and go back to her.

It was with a deep sigh that I slid out from underneath the covers and went into the bathroom instead. I took a quick shower and threw on the clothes that I had picked last night before bed. No matter that I was just going to the airport, I was the king of airport fashion for a reason. The dove grey turtle neck I pulled on matched perfectly with the ankle length blue jeans that I'd recently bought from Gucci. I also put on my thick black pea coat that I had purchased somewhere in Europe.

As a final touch I wore my wire framed glasses, opting to not use my contacts today.
Aliah was a deep sleeper but for once I wished she wasn't; I wanted her soothing presence with me before I needed to go. I looked at her laying there, her curls flying all over the place, her body still wrapped around the spot where I had lain only minutes before. She was beautiful and it still made my breath catch to think that she loved me. It struck me then, more than it had ever before, that I didn't want to leave.

While I had been touring around Seoul or leaving Aliah for just a week or two, I had never felt the desolation that I was feeling now. I would be gone to Japan for almost two months and Aliah would be here without me. I didn't cry often but the tight feeling of incipient tears had taken up what seemed to be a permanent residence in my chest ever since I had realized I'd be leaving her behind. My whole body was telling me to get back into bed with the woman I loved, but my head was telling me that I should have left already. It felt like there was a war going on inside me, but in reality there was no choice. I had to leave her, no matter how I felt.

I leaned over Aliah and kissed her forehead even though I longed to kiss her lips. When she moaned my name in her sleep as I walked away from the bed, I almost turned back and stayed. SHINee didn't really need me did they? The Japanese fans wouldn't be that disappointed, right? Frowning, I shook those thoughts from my head and walked the last few steps to the doorway, regretting wholeheartedly for the first time that I was an idol.

We were only one month into our Japanese promotions and I felt like I was about to burst through my skin. The choreography moves to our newest release song weren't terribly difficult, but I shook my head in frustration as I missed yet another step, sending our formation out of sync. As we broke apart and cut the music, I huffed out a labored breath and faced my members.

"Key hyung! This is the fourth time you've messed up the dance. What's going on with you?" TaeMin exclaimed, pushing back his hair from out of his eyes.

"Mianhe guys, I'm just tired." I leaned against the wall, feeling the coolness of it seep through my wet t-shirt.

"Well, we have to get this down pat before the live stage," JongHyun said seriously. "You have to get it together and focus."

"Ok, I get it. Just give me a minute."

I waved off their mixture of complaints and worry, heading straight for the bathroom. Sweat coated my skin, and I felt the hated sticky feeling begin to creep along my body as I left the heat of the practice room and walked into the cool hallway. I used the bathroom but stayed in the hallway outside of the studio, leaning my head against the wall. What I really wanted to do was knock my head against it until I couldn't feel this stupid pain in my chest anymore.

I hadn't known that I would feel like this when I'd left Aliah, I hadn't known that it would hurt this much. But not seeing her after we had so honestly declared our feelings, after we had shared our bodies with each other, was becoming more than I could take. I let out a slight moan and looked at my watch, wondering what time it was in Seoul. Would Aliah be awake or would she be teaching? Who was she with and did she miss me? The questions spun around and around in my head and I felt myself breaking inside.

I sprang back from the wall as I felt a hand clap on my shoulder.

"Yah! What's up with you KiBum? Why didn't you come back in?" Onew questioned me, concern for me etched on his features.

"Sorry, sorry. Just taking a break you know." I fluttered my hand weakly at him, hoping he'd take my excuse for reality. 

"You're not yourself lately," our leader frowned at me, his brows bunching together.

I smiled up at him and hoped that I was imagining the censure in his voice. If he was worried about me, the most oblivious guy in the planet, then I knew I was slipping. I bit the side of my lip, wanting more than anything to just go home to the dorm.

I could feel the frustration building up inside my body, getting churned up by the slight pangs of depression I'd felt at having to leave Aliah. She hadn't said a word after I'd left, only took my calls cheerfully and each time telling me about her day. She only smiled when we Skyped or Facetimed, never letting me know that anything was wrong. But I was cracking slowly, the loneliness making the whole situation seem unbearable. How could I survive another month like this?

My breath left my mouth in a sharp hiss, my chest was tight with a discomfort that had nothing to do with the physical and everything to do with the emotions threatening to break loose.

"Don't fall apart KiBummie," JinKi said with a perceptiveness that I hadn't expected from him. "We need you, so stop holding it all in. You never want to tell anyone how you feel but tell Aliah. You'll feel better, I know it."

I shook my head at the older boy but I didn't agree. If Aliah wasn't upset about my being gone, could I honestly tell her how much it was affecting me? And worse, what if it our separation wasn't as difficult for her as it was for me? Maybe I was feeling the loneliness all by myself and that thought was almost worse than the aching. On the other hand if she wasn't hurting then I would let her be happy; it was better than feeling how I did.

"KiBum-ah, we all know you're missing Aliah. We've been practicing all day. Let's all go home ok? You can call her."

Suddenly my fatigue disappeared and I felt energized like I hadn't been all day.
"Seriously hyung? Jinja?"

"Yeah, it's not like we don't already know the choreography anyways. There's no point in practicing if everyone's not focused." The weight of his words hit me and suddenly I felt ashamed. I was so worried about myself that I hadn't been thinking of everyone else.

"I'm sorry hyung, I just-"

"Anieyo KiBum. It's not just you. JongHyun keeps missing all his solo parts and even Minnie is starting to get sloppy. We're all tired and since everyone else is getting ready to go, get your stuff."

"Ne, hyung!"  I felt ten times lighter then, knowing that in a matter of minutes I could be at the dorm, talking to Aliah.

A/N: Poor thing! Key is always so strong, whenever he gets teary I'm just done for! I hope you guys are enjoying and be sure to check out my other fics <3