Lit Cigarettes

XOXO B-

XOXO B- 

I cycled home as fast as I could until I reached the safety of my home. I immediately ran to my room, since my phone had died, and dove into my office chair. It spun in 180 degrees and I logged into my Instagram profile quickly. I clicked on the chat from the kid who cornered me in the hallway that morning and began reading. I felt a rush of excitement and immediately opened the story he sent me. 

A canvas of white allowed an abundance of bored doodles to be painted on my skin as I sat in class. I played tic tac toe scraping an old inkless pen against my skin...

I teared up as the story went on and I realized how bad this kid had it. Jason Stuber had always been a very quiet kid in contrast to his older brother Nicholas, who graduated two years ago with a partial scholarship to ASU for football. I never had a class with Jason, as I was in regular classes and journalism and he was in advanced classes and gym. I only knew him because of his older brother which explained why he had no idea who I was. I grabbed the tissues next to my desk and wiped my tears away. As soon as he went into detail of how he ate I realized what goes through our peoples' heads. I realized at that moment why we eat too much, too little, and throw up 'til we bleed. I shut my computer as my door slowly came open. 

"Hey." Rick came in and I gritted my teeth. 

"Rick, leave me alone, you have obviously had too much to drink, as usual." I tried to stand my ground. 

"Oh shut up whore, I wish you would just be nicer," He slurred as he came closer to me. 

The smell of alcohol overwhelmed as he pressed his body against me and my desk. I pushed him and it did nothing. His hand made contact with the side of my face and he smiled like it was Christmas. Blood trickled down my nose and onto my lips. His hand gripped my hip and he went in to force his lips on mine and I jerked my head away. He picked my chin up with his hand.

"See you later," He said with a smirk and stumbled out of my room. 

I put my headphones in and let the music take me away. I continued to read Jason's story as my station went through several songs on repeat. I was in tears as I replied to Jason. I wrote saying it was me in the lunchroom and that it would take me a while to send my story to him. I closed my laptop and sat back quietly in my chair. I thought of Rick. The years he took away from me. The body he took away from me. The freedom he took away. However, he could not take one thing away from me. He could not take away my choice. My choice to write my own story. 

So that night I sat on my bedroom floor and scribbled outline after outline. I wrote headers, erased headers, wrote my feelings, and then erased them as well. I scribbled little flowers on the corners of the papers and doodled on the back. Six chewed up pencils scattering the floor and a trash can full of crushed up mistakes sat beside me. Hours went by and I never saw Rick. My earbuds stayed glued into my ears and repeated for the third time as I was done with my intro. I stretched my back and heard footsteps walking down the hallway as my music had gotten quiet. I pushed all the pieces of paper and any evidence of my story under my bed. I jumped into my covers and pretended to be asleep. I heard the door close, shuffling, and felt something climb on the bed with me again. I braced myself for what I was already used to. I laid there as the pieces of paper telling this exact story were only right under us as the smell of alcohol and cigarettes became a normal scent. My own personal perfume. 

The next morning I didn't go to school. My mom kissed me on the forehead and left me home alone. As soon as she left, I pulled the pile of papers out from under my bed and continued to write. I wrote for three hours until I had the first part of my story completed. I felt a sense of relief that food never gave me. Food gave me relief for only a second until the next binge. Food gave me an excuse to be ugly so he would leave me alone. If my story was out there maybe he couldn't hurt me anymore like he had done for the last six years of my life. Nightly I had my dignity taken away from me. I had my innocence ripped from me. I had no choice, but with food I had a choice.

Darkness spread throughout me as I replayed the darkest years of my life in my head. I paced back in forth in my room, inbetween the rays of sunlight coming through the blinds of my window. My breathing became heavy. My body shook. My legs trembled. I sat at my desk and wrote what I felt. What I truly felt about myself.

Dear whoever reading,

Look I've had a sucky life. Didn't know that? Ask Rick. I have eaten and eaten and eaten to try to make myself uglier. To make myself undesirable. I'm tired of eating. I can't even imagine not eating. I haven't smiled since I was in the seventh grade. I haven't laughed since I was eleven. He broke me and I apologize if I break you, too. This time I made me own choice. 

XOXO Bianca Monastero