Lit Cigarettes

Hiding Like A Hermit Crab

XOXO Bianca-

I paced around my dim room, corner to corner and wall to wall. I stumbled as my vision blurred and my heart pounded several times per second. I struggled to stay up straight and had to keep leaning on the end of my bed frame to keep me stable. My thoughts darkened and I fell deeper into the hole my mind was digging. At one point, I huddled in the corner by my bookshelf and rocked back in forth to the sounds of the ceiling creaking above me. The ceiling fan squeaked as it spun in the highest setting and I tried to focus on the squeaking above me instead of the confusion I was allowing my body to be put through. I sat at my computer and dug my pudgy fingers into the container of Animal Crackers tried to eat my feelings away. Eating wasn't doing what I wanted it to anymore. It wasn't distracting me anymore. I dug the sharp part of a kitchen knife straight into my thigh and the bleeding was intense. I gasped and the knife hit the floor. I vowed never again to try that and continued stuffing my face with Animal Crackers as the blood trickled down my thigh. I rubbed my leg with my free hand and the blood smeared onto my leg. I got up and paced around the room and anticipated the arrival of my stepdad. I did not want to be here anymore. I did not want to be in my body anymore and maybe I wouldn't have to be. 

I laid in my bed all day and no one came to bother me. I didn't sleep at all during the night and my eyes just stared at the dark ceiling until sunrise. I looked at the alarm clock and rolled back over. My mom came to check on me the next morning and I coughed and hacked to really prove my point of being "sick." She gave me another kiss on the forehead and left for work. Rick was off today, but I hoped he would leave me alone. I went back in forth like a seesaw in my mind whether I should do something rash or continue living in the hell hole planet we lived on. I didn't get out of bed once and laid in bed until the next morning. I got my pants on and my light blue hoodie and threw my back pack over my shoulder. I decided to try to go back to school. I didn't bother brushing my hair before I left and as I walked down the hallway I saw the bags under my eyes in a mirror beside the door to my brother's room. I looked like a racoon and it was the only thing that made me laugh that day. The gash on my leg rubbed against the rough fabric of my jeans and I enjoyed the constant feeling of pain. It was as if I finally had a permanent distraction for my permanent solution. 

I acted like a zombie throughout the entire first half of the school day. I stared at my desk and chewed on my finger nails for every minute of every class. When I made it to lunch I grabbed a tray of food and sat down by Lorraine and Collin. Collin was discussing his hermit crab collection and Lorraine pretended to be interested for Collin's enjoyment. Rick came to my mind and my mind went blank. I held back the tears and I gripped my leg where my gash was currently irritated under my thick jeans. I squeezed harder on my leg and my leg throbbed in pain. I winced and went cold as I stared at the table. I looked up and saw Jason Stuber and he looked surprised to see me. I guess with what I wrote him last, I'd be surprised to see me too. I thought about the lazily written poem I had sent him. I got my journal out and started writing an extremely rough outline to a new poem I wanted to write. A poem with an organized plan. Lorraine kept trying to peek over my shoulder and I kept angling my journal away from her. Throughout the rest of the day my poem evolved with every class I managed to make myself go to. The poem grew deeper and more sentimental to me. I realized that hours had gone by and I hadn't thought about my feelings. As soon as the last bell rang, I ran home and locked myself in my room. I began to write and my fingers flew across the keyboard of my laptop. I wrote words, then lines, then pages, and then chapters. At the end of the day, I had a rough draft to the greatest story I had ever gotten to tell. My own. 

Rick knocked on my door and I opened it and frowned. He smirked and let himself in. He was drunk like usual and his cologne was a mixture of vodka and tequila. I drifted off into my mind as he pushed me to the bed. I drifted into a deeper part of me that he couldn't reach. I retreated to the only part of me I could trust, the only part that he had not reached yet. The smell of smoke engulfed me and his rough facial hair scratched against my body. He noticed the cut on my leg, but never said a word. I was so used to the occurrence, that tears didn't stream down my face anymore. I was left staring at my alarm clock as the minutes ticked on. I jumped up quickly and went back to my computer to continue writing. I was interrupted by Jason messaging me on Instagram which I was too exhausted to deal with at the moment. 

Hey.. I saw you back at school today

I hesitated to answer him, but figured I owed him something.

I couldn't do it. Every time I got ready to I chickened out. 

Maybe that means you belong here

I gulped, a tear fell down my face, and I ran my fingers through the front of my hair as I responded to him.

I do not belong in this world.. if I did ,the world would have proven that a long time ago. 

Minutes passed until I got a reply back. 

Look, I tried to starve myself to get myself noticed and I almost died on multiple occasions to do so. Maybe you just need to be noticed too. Maybe we all need to be noticed from time to time.

I froze at his words and I realized how true they were. I knew what I had to do. I had to let the world see me, instead of eating myself to the darkest corners of my room. I had to be seen instead of hiding away from everyone else and allowing the world to step all over me.