Lit Cigarettes

Chicken and Rice and Everything Nice

*TRIGGER WARNING: Dark themes and in no way am I promoting an method of eating disorder. I just want to raise awareness of the dangers of eating disorders. Women and Men both go through it and some don't make it out of it. NOT PRO ANYTHING. I love everyone and want the public to realize what people go through all the time.*

From J-

I turned the key to unlock my front door. I rushed to the kitchen pantry and grabbed the bag of sour cream and onion chips. I forced a handful into my awaiting mouth and my mind hated the feeling of food. I rushed to my room and turned on the light. I faced the mirror and watched myself chew the handful of chips. My arms weren't muscular like my friends, but they weren't skinny either. I lifted up my shirt with my crumb coated hand and my stomach was not sculpted like the rest of the guys. Not small like the guys in the pictures I stare at online. I spit the handful of chips into my hand and smiled. I'd eat at dinner so my parents wouldn't be suspicious, but I denied my body anymore than a 15 minute pleasure session. I ran downstairs when I heard keys fall onto the top of the kitchen counter.

"Hey mom, how was work?" I asked nicely as I started to grab the few bags of groceries she had looped in between her fingers.

"It was good, busy, but good." She said with a smile as she put the milk in the fridge. She turned to me and then ruffled my dark brunette hair.

"What all did you get at the store?" I asked just to make conversation.

"Oh! I got groceries to make you and your dad's favorite meal: Chicken and rice with a side of broccoli." She smiled and I couldn't say a word. My entire body churned and I felt sick. I wanted to tell her I wasn't hungry but she was going to go through so much trouble on making it all. I felt guilty for what I had started 3 weeks ago. My method involved no breakfast or lunch and only a maximum of 10 bites during dinner. I couldn't spit and chew in front of my parents so I had to limit myself with how many bites I could let my body endure. I smiled when I noticed my face had accidentally turned into a frown. I studied her eyes which told me she hadn't noticed my weird expression. With no words I sprinted to my room. I pulled out my homework and finished it with lightning speed then sat with nothing to do. I scrolled on Google images to the other guys and girls that actually succeeded in the destruction I was participating in.

"Dinner is ready!" My mom yelled from downstairs and I got up with no hurry in the world. I walked slowly, preparing my body for what it was going to have to do: eat. I drank a whole glass of water while staring at my dad who was tearing up his dinner. His dark gray eyes fixated on his plate and his mouth full of food that swirled around like a pinball machine. I looked over to my mom and her piercing blue eyes were fixated on me unknowingly. I got scared and took one bite, 1. I counted in my brain as the food slid down my throat. My throat tried to close before the piece of chicken reached it, but my throat was no match for the slimy chicken. I faked a groan of pleasure and stared back up at my mom. Her face gleamed with pride and then she looked down at her own plate. I forced my fork up to my mouth. 2. I looked at the clock above the mantle of the living room, 6:57 it read. 3. I got up and filled up my glass again with water and sat back down. 4. I took a bite of the broccoli and felt the vegetable force its way down my throat. 5. I drank more water as my parents talked about work with mouths full. 6. They discussed cases they had been working on without giving names because that is against their work places' policies. 7. They talked about the new neighbors down the street. 8. I drew the fork to my mouth and my mouth became used to eating. 9. Quickly. 10. I put my fork down and a tear almost escaped my eye.

"Thanks for the food mom!" I quickly picked up my plate and scraped the rest of my food into the trash and tossed the plate into the sink. I waved to them and rushed to my room.

A tear escaped down my face and summoned the rest to fall from my eyes. I curled up in a ball on my bed and rubbed my stomach. I wondered why I was doing this to myself. I wondered what changed in me to make me do this. I was starving myself so I could change myself. Maybe I was bored of simple life. Maybe I was bored and hungry to be different... I sure wasn't hungry for food.