Lit Cigarettes

Spotlight

From J-

It was Saturday. He was coming home. I immediately gritted my teeth and turned to my side in my bed and covered myself with the comforter and fell back to sleep. I woke up to a feast of brunch cooking downstairs and sat up in the bed and my feet touched the rough carpet floor slowly. I rubbed my eyes and walked over to my dresser and slipped into my baggy plain blue sweatshirt and walked downstairs. He stared back at me and his blue eyes looked straight into my eyes. His hair was combed back with perfection and he stood in a grey button up shirt and nice jeans. He walked towards me with his arms wide spread. I hugged him and my skinny body was covered in a blanket of pure muscle and toned perfection. I gave a smile as I pulled away and he ruffled my hair the way my mom liked to do. My dad was already discussing the next football game my brother would be playing in the next Friday. My dad was practically drooling as Nicholas went into detail of the brief history and stats of the opposing players. I sighed as I walked up to my mom as she cooked. The smell of bacon stung my nose and my stomach immediately churned. I gagged silently and walked halfway to the living room debating whether I torture myself with my brother's perfection or torture myself with the smell of food. I dug my nails into the palm of my hands and made my life-threatening choice. I sat on the couch and my brother scanned me up and down and then kept talking about his college life. I rolled my eyes with every phrase and he finally looked over and smiled.

"So do you still like to draw?" He asked me with genuine curiosity and I just nodded and scanned his body. I wanted to look like that, but I guess I wasn't refusing to eat to look like that... I was refusing to eat so someone would notice me.

"Well, I got you this on my way home," He reached into his laptop bag and an expensive sketch pad appeared in his hands. I reached over to grab the sketch book and I flinched as my spine refused to move. I grabbed the sketch pad said thanks and ran up to my room. I ripped off my sweatshirt and turned around in the mirror. Pastel blues and purples lined the outline of my spine and I shuddered. I turned to look at the front of my chest and my rib cage was outlined more than ever. I felt a sense of accomplishment, a reason to keep living like I had for only a short time.

I slipped my sweatshirt, that was 2 sizes too big now, back on and went back downstairs. I grabbed the fork in my right hand so hard that I felt like it was burning a hole in my palm. With my left hand I grabbed a greasy piece of bacon and put it up to my mouth. I chewed a micro-bite off and swallowed. The crispy edges of the bacon sliced my esophagus and I cringed at the thought of eating. I had gotten to the point where eating was now painful, emotionally and physically. My brother was sitting right across from me and he kept looking up at me.

"Can I be excused?" I blurted out in a whisper and my mom and dad nodded and carried on conversation.

I walked slowly and reached the bottom of the stairs and heard my brother whisper from the other room. "What is up with him?" Nicholas said.

"Nothing is wrong, I mean I don't think there is." My dad said.

"Guys, he is like bones now," Nicholas said and a tear ran down my face with his words.

"He just lost a little weight, which isn't a bad thing." My mom said and I shook my head.

"Are you guys really that blind?" Nicholas said and my dad slammed his hand on the table.

"Look Nicholas your brother just lost weight so don't assume he is some anorexic freak or something!" My dad said and my heart was beating extremely fast. My stomach churned and my head felt like it was on fire. That is how he thought about us... my group..... my way of life? I started sobbing and ran to the bathroom. Neither my mom or dad realized how much I hated my body. How much I wanted to be noticed more than my older brother. How much I wanted to be in the spotlight. My hands gripped the sides of the porcelain toilet and I released all the pain. All of my emotions.

I stared at myself in the mirror and I couldtell there was no going back now. The sense of relief throwing up gave me was like flying. Flying straight into a new life where I would be noticed by myparents. Eighteen years too late and the spotlight would finally shine on me.