Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Gangster

51. Just So Broken

  "Dodds," Juliana called exasperatedly as she headed outside to follow him.
  "You don't have to follow me, Barba. You don't have to pretend to like me, or respect me, either" he grumbled.
  Juliana sighed. "Come on. You know that I do respect you, and I do think that you seem like a good person. Everyone here feels the same way," she promised.
  "Really? Even Fin?" Dodds pointed out.
  "He ain't mean it like that," Juliana tried to explain. "The whole thing was just sprung on us, that's all."
  Dodds was silent.
  "You know what I mean. One day, we're losing a detective we all learned to love, the next, some guy we don't even know becomes sergeant, just because IAB and 1PP have some sort of a grudge against our lieutenant," Juliana pointed out.
  "Not everyone upstairs, you know," Dodds said quietly.
  "What?" Juliana asked.
  "Not everyone hates Benson upstairs. And for what it counts.... I think she's an amazing lieutenant," he smiled.
  Juliana smiled as well. "That does count for a lot, Dodds. We really do respect you, you know. We all do."
  He smiled sadly. "Thank you, for.... dealing with my insecurities, even on the job."
  Juliana nodded. "No problem, Sarge. We take care of our own here. You know what? We got five minutes til lunchtime. How about we just chill?" she suggested.
  He nodded. "By all means, sit," he shrugged.

And so they sat, on the floor, at the steps of the precinct. Juliana looked around cautiously. No one was really around. She pulled out a cigarette, as well as her lighter.
  "Wanna smoke?" she asked, lighting one for herself.
  "I'm good," Dodds sighed.
  Juliana sighed, smoking on her own. "You know, people out there, the ones that don't gotta worry about they jobs, the civilians, they won't smoke cigarettes no more, but weed's fine. Apparently, weed is much better, as far as health goes. I remember my brother, before he died.... when I was a kid and I asked him for cigarettes, he said no. And when I asked why he would give me weed but not cigarettes, he told me, 'Because I'd rather you be retarded for the rest of your life than have lung cancer," Juliana chuckled. "Chris always looked out for me. But I made my choice."
  "And what made you choose the lung cancer?" Dodds asked curiously.
  "You're seriously asking a cop that question?" Juliana raised an eyebrow.
  Dodds nodded, laughing along with her. "Yeah. That makes sense."
  "I wouldn't understand about the brother thing. I'm an only child," he explained.
  "How did I already know?" Juliana smirked.
  "Very funny. You know, I'm almost embarrassed to say.... I didn't grow up in the projects or anything either," Dodds said.
  "Again; Ion need to be a detective to figure that one out either," Juliana sighed, amused, as she smoked.
  "Yeah, definitely," he nodded. "I never knew what some of those things were like, you know? Even if I did have friends who did."
  "What things?" Juliana asked.
  "You know, the whole.... ramen noodles and hot sauce every night, the.... Newport cigarettes and weed," he sighed. "It's a whole thing for, I don't know, the little white kids like I was," he tried explaining.
  Juliana nodded. "I know. I get it; you wanted to be cool. That's always what it is. Here, for f**k's sake, just try one," she offered with a shrug. "It's not gonna kill you. At least.... not right away."
  "I guess. I mean.... only person who'd care is my father, and, well, f**k him," he shrugged.
  Juliana chuckled as she continued smoking. "That's the spirit, Sarge."

He put the cigarette in his mouth, lighting it once Juliana handed him the lighter. She watched with amusement as he began to figure out what to do, coughing almost instantly.
  Juliana laughed hysterically. "Oh, Dodds, you're overthinking it! Just inhale and exhale. Just breathe!"
  "I told you I don't know anything about this sort of stuff," Dodds chuckled. "Can I ask you a question?"
  "Sure, Dodds, why not?" Juliana nodded.
  "Why do you smoke?"
  Juliana sighed at the common question. "It's my healthiest option. I mean, compared to my other potential life choices," she shrugged.
  "Sorry, I don't understand," Dodds apologized.
  "Well.... not to sound whiny, but.... my life's been pretty f**ked up so far. I've had some pretty bad habits over the course of my life, not all of them drugs or substances. Smoking cigarettes is probably the least bad out of all of them," Juliana replied.
  "Right. Barba.... I'm sorry I ruined your birthday. I mean, I started sh*t with my whining, made you come out here, and then asked you about some of the sh*ttiest parts of your life," he sighed.
  Juliana sighed, smiling at him as she stood. "Dodds.... you didn't ruin my birthday. It was actually good clearing things up with you, and believe me, there are way worse parts of my life. Now why don't you put that out so we can get back to the squad?" Juliana suggested with a smirk.
  "Alright," he nodded, as Juliana smashed her cigarette against a trash can then discarding of it.

She held out a hand for Dodds's cigarette, which he handed to her, the tips of his fingers brushing against the center of her palm. Juliana tossed both into the trash can, as Dodds stepped even closer to her. She turned to see him doing the same thing he had done the other night. Only this time, he grabbed Juliana's wrist and waist gently.
  "Dodds," Juliana warned, pulling away sharply. "Sergeant. Stop. Don't you have a fiancé too?" she pointed out irritably.
  "We split."
  "Okay, well.... do you really think that gives you a 'take other people's fiancés' hall pass?"
  "Juliana, I...."
  "Stop talking, right now," Juliana ordered. "If you don't say anything more, we can pretend this whole thing never happened, and we can be one-hundred percent professional from now on. Are we understood, Sergeant?" she asked.
  He nodded regretfully. "Yes, Detective."
  "Good," Juliana nodded, walking away.
  "Detective Barba?" he called.
  "Yes, Dodds?" Juliana asked.
  "I know this is no excuse, but.... I just felt so broken. I'm sorry," he breathed.
  Juliana smiled politely, but sadly. "For what, Sergeant?"

She walked away silently, texting Rafael.