The Fucked Up Diary

1 August 2018

Dear Dottie,

     I have been so busy these five days.  It made it hard to keep in touch.  First and online friend I feel close with was teaching me forms of stress relief.  Stuff like rubbing your hands on your thighs and touching your own cheek.  I tried really hard to do both.  But due to my own issues it didn't work.  The feeling it gave me, bothered me, I didn't like it.   

     On top of that, my adoptive mother keeps threatening to call the system and put us back in.  It has made everything very difficult to handle.  I have been stressing and sleeping more.  I would stay up until maybe 3am and then sleep till 10am.  Then I would be in a panic helping and working non-stop.  

     And now I am trying to register for highschool and that is a whole process in an itself.  We had to find my birth certificate which we haven't seen since I was like four.  I am also trying to keep up with my friends while always getting stuck babysitting at the pool.  NOW!  ON TOP OF THAT!  I am dog sitting a dog. (Bit it is kind of fun)

     I have been so stressed that I almost went to scar my skin up.  But I forced myself to ignore the urge.  I distracted myself with the pool and this dog.  Also instagram, but mostly like youtubers that I like, because I would actually kill myself if I stared at all these instagram-models.  

     Oh!  And photography, I have been obsessed with photography but I never was allowed a camera.  So I have been taking a lot of photos and even vlogging my life!  Though it doesn't seem to pick up audio.  But I am going to save up for a filming camera, and when I get my first job I plan to start on YouTube!  Honestly I have always wanted to make videos.  I want to do mukbangs and makeup.  I want to bake and I want footage of my life.  I want people to know all the types of people out there.  I want to make people happy so they don't have to deal with their problems even if just for a few minutes.  Why?  Because I have people who do that for me, and I know how it feels to forget your problems and smile for a while.  I want me to be the reason others can feel that same feeling.  I think I would honestly do anything to make people happy, to even save one person from loneliness.

     Next, something I feel weird admitting to you.  I have had a girlfriend for almost a year, I was getting serious.  Though recently I have felt a lot of distance between us and I felt she didn't understand or even care how I felt.  Like I would bring up how much I care about her.  Or if I expressed any sort of sad feelings she would turn it into a joke or competition.  So I broke up with her recently, I can almost feel my heart wanting to crawl back to her.  It got so bad that I had to block her.  Which hurt me a lot cause I still wanted to be friends.  I have yet to tell my friends (The ones who know my sexuality) and I am kinda scared.  

     I think I might link them this chapter.  But I don't want them to know how I have been feeling.  Plus I doubt any of them care.  Honestly, I feel like none of them really like me, or that to them I am just a pity friend.  I feel scared that they hate me, and I have had breakdowns from it.  I honestly care about them.  Though I feel like most of them even laugh at me.  (Fuck, I am actually starting to cry while writing this)  I even feel them judging me and me every move.  I feel like an honest burden. (Though I hope that isn't the case) 

     I have lost all motivation as well, I never draw anymore.  I stopped writing creative stories fully.  Hell!  If I'm not swimming or writing this I won't do anything unless forced.  I am not even going to lie I haven't showered in like a week.  I seriously just dry bathe and put on deodorant.  Though the past two days I have been working and swimming a lot to keep my mind off stuff.  

     Finally thing I am willing to mention is something related to a strap on dildo and my older sister.  She came in at like 3am with a blue, vibrating, strap on dildo.  LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!  I was screaming so loud I sounded like tires from a semi-truck screeching.  I freaked out, I hate dicks, dick looking items, and anything sexual.(For the most part)  I even feel sick just saying/typing/hearing/writing/seeing the word dildo.  I also really hate sexual talk and stuff along those lines.  It makes me feel sick, to the point of I run away when people tried to start 'The Talk' or the 'Birds and the Bees' conversation.  See ya' next time!  -12:31

Bye Dottie

Love, Kathrine Morris

*P.S. Decided to send this to my friends.  I hope it helps them understand