The Fucked Up Diary

Ugh

I know its been a while.  I struggle to openly tell you how I feel, and recently, I seem to only make everything worse.  I realised I needed a place to just rant, and be open about some of my struggles.  I have been dealing with issues with my sexuality, being comfortable feeling sexual feelings.  I also seem to be falling back down into the rabbit hole of self harm that I worked so hard to remove myself from the first time.  I fear if I fall down this time I might never escape its jaws again.  My Dad died a little over a year ago, so Me and my sister got rehomed because my mom was so ill she couldnt take care of us.  And now my sister and I seem to be in constant fights, and never ending bickery and animosity.  Nothing I do or say comes out right and everything I sacrificed for her means nothing.  I gave up my relationships, my friends, Family, School, and part of my own sanity.  I still cook and clean and try to help her whenever and it means nothing.  I feel as though I am nothing but a failure and piece of shit in her eyes.  As much as I listen and take to heart every insult and critique,  anything I say falls on deaf ears.  Though, I am sure its my fault.    Even more so she seems to disagree with every political idea I have, which doesn't bother me, but it does her.  Which sucks, cause it just makes her think I am even more shitty than I already am.  Sometimes I think I should just let her hate me though, at least that way I get what I deserve.  I mean, I've never deserved anything more than a tall buildings roof and a heavy gust of wind while I stand on the edge.  It was honestly foolish of me to think I could ever amount to anything more than some rotten meat.
Whats even worse is I am madly in love with my bestfriend/ex-boyfriend.  I think about him constantly.  And as horrid as it is to say, he really makes me feel "That Way".  It doesnt help knowing that he likes me too and the only reason we arent together is because he didnt want to do long distance anymore...  Before him, I didnt get very srrong or often sexual desires.  But he made me geel that way so often, but I dont really know how to solve it, And I am scared to try and look at videos or ya'know.  So I try to sleep it off.  But sometimes it doesn't go away for days.  And it becomes extraordinarily painful, to the point where even breathing causes me immense pain.  And there is nothing I can do.  And I always feel dirty or defective when I feel this way.  Cause I am underaged,  So I shouldnt have temptations like this.  Plus I have wanted to wait till I was married or atleast knew for sure *Which I think it is him since I dont use the word Love lightly*  that the person I did it with was someone I Truly loved Romantically.    I feel like me feeling this way is just horrible.  But at the same time I would never judge another sould for feeling the way I do, so why must I judge myself?  Why do I hate it when I, specifically, feel this way but not for anyone else?  I hate it, I hate me so so so much.  I feel like nothing more than a fat pig not even worth trying to kill and sell.

I just, I am hurting so bad.  I know I deserve it, But All I want is to please the people around me.  I want my family and friends to depend on me for all their needs and live without a care or worry in the world.  But it seems as though my mere exsistence causes nothing but problems, issues and pain to the people around me. I try to help every single person, and keep every single one of their needs met, But I can't.

-Sorry.