The Fucked Up Diary

Sorry

Crazy, two years of not updating my silly diary, but here I am now.  Alone as ever, my life broken with nothing but this book to provide me any comfort.  I feel so stupid.  I thought I had friends finally, right?  Real ones I really did.  I mean, They are real friends in a sense, just not to me.  I have shown them this image of me, this facade, one where I am always happy, and smiling.  One that wants to grow old and flourish.  But it isn't me.  Do I gues this time, well, this time I am the fake friend.  I decieved them into thinking I was so fucking perfect fit in their group, when in reality I dont undersrand anything they say, They know nothing of my feelings, cravings, desires, goals, ideals and barely even know how I feel most days.  I am sure some of them have realized and thats why they dont message me.  Because, in the end, I am nothing more than a hypocritical Bitch.  I want my friends to need me, and rely on me for everything, when I can't even honestly tell them how I feel.  What did I expect.  Plus, by now I should have learned that I am always, will always, and deserve to always be alone.  I am not worth a dime of anyones time.  I really just am not, never have been, never will be.  If I died right now, just passed on in my sleep,  no one would have ever know the real me personally, except me.  So they would mourn *if at all*  nothing more than a fake friend.  I know That is exactly what I deserve to.  A Death, though I deserve one way more gruesome, macabre, horrific, and painful for ever lying to the wonderful people I wish so badly to be friends with.  But If I told them now, or became myself, I know they would hate me, I mean I do.  I mean, though do they even see me as a friend?  I am pretty sure I am just the annoying tag along girl.  None of them message me first, none of them ever make the first move to talk to me.  Damn.  The more I think about it, I am the Tag Along girl.  I just inserted myself into their lives, and that person wasnt even the real me.  So if I died, 1 no one would mourn and 2 I would be alone in both versions of myself.  Fuck.  And now that I live several states away, They have no reason to do anything with me.  I mean, would they even care if I just stopped sending them anything?  No they wouldn't.  Hell, even my family stopped talking to me, always wants me gone, and finds me to be the worst of us all.  I really am the biggest nuisance to exsist.  Whats even worse, is I am too cowardice to even off myself to please them.  My one goal in life.  To please them, and I won't even allow myself to follow through.  Damn it.  Damn it Damnit damint damnit damnit.  My whole exsistence was irrelevant.  Im nothing more than an irrelevant peice of hypocritical Shit.  And yet still.  I put myself around others, hoping they can see me as something else.  Hoping that the facade is at least do enough.  But it isnt.  Never was.  They still hate me.  They really hate me.  Always have.

-Sorry to all of my friends  I really am a nuisance, eh?-