Them (completed)

Chaper 4: Her

Chapter 4: Her

I was still looking at the separation papers. I couldn’t bring myself to send them in. I couldn’t live without this man and this separation would lead to a divorce. It was clear he didn’t want a divorce. But, I could not help the felling that I’m not treating him right. That is not fair to him. I have issues and problems that Chris cannot began to understand, issues that I barely understood. The only answer is to let him move on. He deserves better than what I can give.

I’ll never forget when Chris walked into the house with lipstick on his shirt and I smelled a women’s fragrance. I will never forget that smell. That’s when I knew I had to let him go. Its been almost ten months since I’ve been intimate with him so he has to be getting it from someone else. Ten months is close to a year. The only person I can blame is myself. I’m fine with that. I’m fine with being alone. I’m not fine if Chris isn’t happy. He means a lot to me. His happiness means everything to me. I’m just making him miserable.

What kind of wife am I?

I told him I would not make a good wife, I don’t know how to be a wife. Look where we're at now.

But can I really let him go.

Chris is the only man I can be fully happy with. The only man I can be fully intimate with. Making love to him is everything I have ever dreamed of. He’s the only man I have ever been intimate with.

I can still remember the first time we made love. We had sex before that but the first time we actually made love was the summer before our senior year of college. Chris got us a hotel room just because he wanted some along time with me. He was so gentle and passionate with me. He kissed every each of my body. It was also the first time he told me he loved me. We had been dating and having sex for a year and at that moment in that hotel room, I knew he was the one for me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live without this man. I knew I wanted a family with him. It was a moment of perfect happens like euphoria or ecstasy.

Now each time we make love it’s better than the last and the first. Only we haven't made love in a very long time. What kind of marriage is that.

I remember those nights in the back seat of his SUV. Us going at like teenagers in heat. Our sex life was never dual until now. Chris could make me have orgasm after orgasm. In the bedroom, we could both throw down. Now look at our lack of love life. It's not just the sex, we don't even talk to each other.

What I like best was after the sex we talked for hours. We could communicate. It felt great to just tell him everything I was thinking. It felt great to have him talk to me. I never felt so loved and needed until I met him. Sometimes I don't even have to tell him when something is wrong or bothering me, he just knows. Chris and I could stay in bed on a Sunday talking, having sex, and watch movie after movie. We loved just being in each other presence. We didn’t have to be talking or having sex or being silly. We could just be in silence watching television or him doing work and me on the internet. Sometimes I would bring my laptop into Chris’ office while he working just so I could be in his presence. I miss that about our relationship. If he walks in a room I leave now and vise versa. I keep wonder what if the relationship could be fixed? What if I walking away and regret my decision. I think I should still give this relationship a chance. I know I’m crazy for going back and forth. I would be the first to tell someone else either leave him or work it out, stop going back in forth. But Chris would say if you are not absolutely positive about something than don’t do it. I’m not 100% positive about this. So I was going to go with Chris’ advise.

His therapy session started 10 minutes ago; I think I could still try to make it.

I grabbed my stuff and darted for the door.