fly away with me

broken

It's been a year since Wyatt had left me. A year of absolute hell. I hadn't left the house at all after school got out. I had heard from his friends that he moved. Not sure where..

It occurred to me that I'd probably never see him again.

I'd drank so much that I only remembered faint parts of what had happened that day he left. I remembered him yelling at me, telling me to stop. I also recalled me saying that I loved him. Which, it wasn't a lie.. Did he think it was? I meant every word I said, so I don't understand why he left me. I just can't remember.

My eyes were glossed over with water, but no tears fell. I've cried so much over the past year, that I'd probably never cry again.

I dropped my head into my hands, squeezing my eyes shut, as if that would help me remember what I did.

I couldn't. And it was so frustrating.

I slowly lost all my feelings, my heart numb. I didn't feel like doing anything. I couldn't sleep at night. I felt hopeless.

It was as if I was trapped at the bottom of a well, that tiny sliver of light at the top being what little hope was left for me. It was my only way out, but how was I supposed to get there? Everyday the well seemed to be getting deeper and deeper, that light slowly disappearing. I wasn't sure how much longer I had. Months, days.. hours.

I'd try to contact him through his phone, but it wasn't in service. I had no way to talk to him except through email, but I was to scared to ever try. If he blocked me, I know that light at the top of the well would be gone for good. There would be no escape. I'd never see his freckled face, hear his voice, see that beautiful, beautiful smile, again.

I stood up, water finding its way out of my eyes for the first time in months. I wiped my eyes as I stormed out of the house, getting into my car.
I drove and I drove, my foot not seeming to want to lift itself off the gas pedal.

...

I came to a sudden stop after awhile of driving. I ran up the mountain, sobs escaping my chapped lips, until I reached Camp Nax. I stopped at the edge, my eyes analyzing the drop. My throat was tight, it was hard to breathe. I knew if I did this, it would really all be over.

I wasn't sure if that was bad thing, or a good thing.

Have you ever thought about jumping off a cliff, but not wanting to die?

That's how I felt, my emotions and feelings were mixed up. I didn't know what to do. I was slowly losing my mind.

I began to scream. At the trees, at the sky, at the world.

I let out all my anger, letting all my feelings escape my lips in the form of curse words and profanities.

I started to yell Wyatt's name, over and over again, until my voice became hoarse and I couldn't anymore.

I squatted down, my head falling into my hands, sobbing as all the emotion finished pouring out.

I slid my phone out of my back pocket, opening my email and beginning to move my thumbs quickly.

...

"I'd give ten fingers, both arms. I'd give anything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Meet me 5 p.m. Thursday. You know where. I'll be there every week at that time for the rest of my life."

I hit send.

< •-•-• >

a/n: not even gonna lie i cried so much writing these past few chapters.

DISCLAIMER: the email written is a quote by jandy nelson :)) she's one of my favorite authors, and i love her writing style.

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