broken ; egd

twenty seven

this chapter talks about depression and anxiety so i just wanted to warn you before you read 💛
-a week after their anniversary-
talias pov-

this past week has been so amazing with ethan. its just like how it was when we first met. hes all cute and sweet. dont get me wrong. i love all of that and i love him, but its just myself i dont love.

ever since my parents made me date destin i started to always feel sad. i never wanted to leave the house. i never had an appetite.

justin took me to see a psychiatrist and i was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. when justin died it got worse.

ever since all the insane shit thats happened like the kidnapping and destin raping me, i havent felt like myself.

its like i look in the mirror and im disgusted with myself. its like i dont want to be myself anymore.

all the things ethan does for me does make me happy, but i dont think i will ever be able to recover from what has happened to me. sometimes i have horrible anxiety attacks just thinking about the stuff thats happened to me.

the worst part is, no one knows how i feel. not billie, not ethan, not grayson. literally no one. i feel like if i tell them they will look at me differently. i feel like they will pity me. i dont want to be some charity case.

ethan is eating lunch with grayson. billie is at work and today is my day off. im just home.

im sitting on our bed. looking at myself through the mirror.

im disgusting. i got my virginity taken by someone i fucking despise. its my fault justin is dead. i got told that he was coming to pick me up early from school so we could go eat lunch together. if it wasnt for me my brother would still be alive.

i always feel like everyone is my friend because they feel bad that ive had a shitty life. sometimes i even think ethan is with me because he pities me. i know im wrong but i cant control some of the thoughts inside my head

i start crying uncontrollably. i havent cried in a while. i start shaking and hyperventilating. i cant stop it. im having an anxiety attack. i cant breathe and i feel like i could pass out at any second. i look at my hands and theyre shaking. it wont stop. these thoughts in my head wont go away. i feel like im dying.

i put my head in my trembling hands and cry. i try to control my breathing but nothing works. ethan is the only person who has the ability to calm me down.

i start to get quite dizzy considering how much im crying and im losing breath. i suddenly see ethan running into the room. he sees me and immediately comes to me.

"talia whats wrong? what happened?" he says slightly panicking.

i dont say anything. i just keep choking on my own tears. he takes my hands from my face and makes me look at him.

"hey look at me. keep your eyes on my eyes. hold my hands. now breathe in... and breathe out." he says and i follow his instructions.

he strokes my hand with his thumb. i slowly start to calm down.

"youre okay. youre safe. im here with you. nobody can hurt you angel." he softly says still maintaining eye contact with me.

finally tears stop running down my face and my breathing is back to normal. he pulls me into a giant hug. my head on his chest and his hand on my head playing with my hair.

"now, will you please tell me why my babygirl was crying?" he says.

i take a deep breath. i start explaining everything to him. he is listening the whole time. not interrupting me, not even once.

"i j-just dont feel like i deserve an amazing boyfriend like you o-or friends like billie or grayson. i am such a fuck up. its all my fault justin is dead." i say.

"talia, never repeat those words ever again. you mean absolutely everything to grayson, billie, and i. also, how could you have known that justin was coming to pick you up?" he says.

"i fucking love you talia. you are not a fuck up. you are and always will be my girl. i dont care what you think or say, you are the most amazing, beautiful, stunning girl i have ever met. nothing can ever change how i feel about you." he says again.

he looks at me with a soft expression on his face. i shove my chest into the crook of his neck. i never want to let go. i never want to leave. i never want him to leave me.

i wish i wasnt this broken.

ethans pov-
when i walked into our room and saw talia freaking out like that my heart completely tore into millions of pieces. i hate seeing her like this. it hurts me so fucking much.

she explains everything to me. the way shes been feeling. why she always has anxiety attacks. she told me shes had many anxiety attacks and i wasnt there to calm her down. i feel so fucking bad.

now im just playing with her hair. that always manages to calm her down or make her fall asleep. i want to take her to therapy. i feel like it would really help her.

she refused to go to therapy when justin died, but now i dont think she has a choice. her depression and anxiety have gotten so much worse. she needs professional help. knowing that i cant be the one to help her through everything makes me so upset but i just want whats best for her.

i put on some of khalids slower songs to help her calm down. she loves his music. she likes daniel ceasar too so i put some of his music on too.

after about half an hour of cuddling with her and stroking her hair she is asleep. i dont want to wake her up so i lay there with her. she needs some rest.

when she wakes up i will talk about trying to talk to a therapist. all i want is for my sunshine to be happy. i try my hardest to make her happy. i know she is happy sometimes buy i wish i could change it to all the time instead of just sometimes.

sorry i didnt update yesterday :(  i was extremely busy. i hope you enjoyed this chapter. dont forget to vote i love you guys 💙