5SOS Short Stories

(4) Escape (Letter to Myself) |5sos|

This is different to the other stories I have done. I don't know if you'd even call it a story. I guess it's my story.

This is really, really personal so yeh.  Ridiculously so. Sorry I just had to write it.

I have never cried so much in my whole life as I did when writing this.

It would mean a lot if you could read it. I don't know why but it just would.

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Dear Lauren,

{This may seem a little strange that I'm writing to myself, but I feel this is the only way I am going to understand all the thought and noises that are incomprehensible in my head.}

Sometimes I really question what's the point of living. Like honestly, why do we put ourselves through so much pain and suffering? What is the point of it all?  Often I find myself thinking if this is worth it at all. Most of the time I think it isn't.

The world we live in sucks. Seriously, it is awful. I hate it. Why is it that good people suffer? Surely if there was a God he'd realize how unjust and twisted this place is. 

Sometimes I just want to escape. I want to run away. I want to go some where far, far away. I think that only happens in movies though. You can't just uproot everything and expect to get rid of all your problems. There's no such thing as a clean break. There's always spillage which needs to be dealt with. Eventually the problems that you're so desperately getting away from will catch up with you. They will haunt you like the demons they are, demanding to be felt, heard and seen.

My problem is I take too much on. I become like a juggler. I can manage a few objects at once, and I begin to feel more and more comfortable. Eventually my confidence grows so I commit to more, tossing them into the mix. The same pattern continues and eventually there is a crowd of people around me, watching my every more. I can feel the beads of sweat beginning to race down my forehead. Pressure. Stress. Expectations. I'm becoming overwhelmed. I can't stop now though, more and more people are gathering around me, egging me to do one more, just one more. I can't, I think to myself, stop you already have enough to deal with. Then I see the disappointment in the faces of people around me. I can't let them down, they've put so much trust and hope into me and I don't want to disappoint. I risk taking one more thing on; in the bigger picture it may not seem like a lot but it's enough to upset the balance. Everything I'd been juggling comes crashing down around my feet. I've failed. It's a domino effect. One thing collapse leading to the destruction of another. I am left in the centre of the debris, everyone has turned their back.

I'm not saying I've the most difficult life in the world. Far from it. Sometimes it just gets too much.

I get decent grades at school but I work so hard for them. I'm not stupid I'm just not a good learner. I spend hours and hours every day doing homework and study. I'm scared of failure. I never do fail but I'm hard on myself; anything other than a high B I consider a fail. Why? I work so god damn hard to do well and sometimes it doesn't pay off at all. I've set myself a standard that's so high it's almost impossible to sustain and have a healthy balance of other things too. My teachers and my parents expect me to wondrous things and I don't want to let them down. You have no idea what I would give to be one of those people who open a book and have a chapter learned in 10 minutes. It breaks my heart that I can't be like that. It makes me feel stupid and not good enough. I have exams next year and I am terrified. I don't know how I am going to cope. Normally I am a stressed, disaster during periods of examinations. I freak out and what do I do? I run away. I just pretend like they're not important. But, while I am running, I slip on a spill and hurt myself. I've cracked and I've let myself down. You're useless, you're a failure, you really are a waste of breath.