Book I: to cross oceans for [BxB] (trans) - completed

Never Doubt - Danny

I counted Sean's breaths as I watched him sleep. He lay on his stomach, one knee bent towards it, clutching a pillow tightly to his chest. His face was pressed against another, warm breath fanning over the fabric. His favorite plush blanket was tangled and wrapped around both of us. I made he was covered before I looked back up at his face, doing my best to memorize every single line of it.

How many times over the course of our friendship had we woken up like this, side by side, almost in the exact same positions we were in?

Maybe, out of all the things we'd shared, this, enjoying the still quietness of predawn hours next to Sean, was one of my favorite parts of being his friend.

So, how do you say goodbye to the person you love most in the world? How do you tell your best friend you're leaving him?

I honestly didn't have any answers to those questions, no matter how long or how hard I'd mulled them over in my head.

Keeping my distance from Sean would be near to impossible. Maybe at first, we'd pull it off. twelve years of friendship and secrets shared just couldn't be erased overnight. Maybe things would go back to normal - or to whatever passed as normal for us - for a while.

But I doubted I'd be able to stay away from him for too long. Eventually, the memories of his kisses and the way his skin felt against mine would pull me back. He would pull me back. Because I loved him, it was that simple.

And then, he'd just end up getting hurt. I'd be the one to hurt him again. He deserved so much better.

My side ached from sleeping on the hard floor, but I refused to move. This was good pain, one I wanted to remember.

The room started to slowly rise, a grayish light filtering in through the open curtains. Our safe hiding place stayed dark, cloaked in the last shadows of the night that still clung to whatever safe harbor they found to escape the dawn. I scanned Sean's face again, letting my eyes roam over the peaceful look on his face. The book I gave him lay between us, the first pages slightly bent from being pressed between our bodies.

It hadn't been easy to find, but I couldn't think of a better gift for him - even if it did sound kind of silly. I needed him to have hope for the future, no matter how small. But maybe even more than that, I wanted him to remember the me from The Before, when we could both smile and laugh at silly things. Bond over rescuing squirrels from half-empty plastic pools, ridiculous horror movies, and whispered wishes exchanged on a shared pillow.

Sean breathed next to me while I asked myself the same questions, over and over again: how do you say goodbye to the person you love most in the world? How?

Coward that I was, I could only come up with one: the answer was, you don't.

Moving slowly, I lifted my head from our pillow and kissed Sean's cheek with all the gentleness I still had inside myself. My heart pounded in my chest and part of me wanted him to wake up, to wrap his arms around me and keep me there. Keep me with him for as long as our forever lasted.

Tomorrow, I thought. You can leave tomorrow. Just one more day. One more day with him.

That's what I'd been telling myself for weeks: just one more day.

It was an excuse, I knew that. If I didn't leave now, I never would. I'd keep putting it off, convincing myself our goodbye could wait a bit longer, just one more day. But I needed to leave because Sean deserved better.

I pulled back and blinked, clearing my eyes, wanting to always remember him like that. Then I inched away from his safety, pausing to grab the book and glance one last time at Sean.