Book I: to cross oceans for [BxB] (trans) - completed

The Calm - Danny (Part II)

The drive to wherever he was taking me was filled with Kenny's poor attempts at making jokes. Maybe once upon a time I would've laughed, just to be polite or not offend him because he tended to pout when he didn't get his way. Since we only ever met up to hook up, I went along and laughed. Kenny and I weren't friends.

This time, try as I might, I just couldn't. There wasn't anything there, inside of me. Nothing to let out even the fakest of chuckles at his stupid jokes.

I was slouched on the passenger seat, my forehead pressed against the glass. But I sat up when my gaze met the familiar dirt road unspooling ahead of us.

Kenny snickered and winked at me when I turned my attention to him, frowning.

"This? This is your perfect spot?" I asked as Kenny parked the car.

"Yeah, come on. I have a secret stash." Kenny got out and headed toward the tree line without so much as a glance back to see if I was following.

The Lake, that's where he'd taken me. The same Lake Sean and I had our do-over first date.

I pushed thoughts of Sean out of my mind. I hadn't even told him I was skipping school, let alone that I'd snuck off to The Lake with Kenny.

Somehow, I didn't think he'd be entirely okay with whatever it was I was doing. What guy wants to hear his boyfriend skipped school and planned to spend the day with his ex-fuck buddy?

I shoved the guilt aside and got out of the car, slamming the door shut. If the situation were reversed, I'd be pissed at Sean. I couldn't stay there with Kenny. 

"I'm gonna take off." I informed him, shouldering my backpack.

The Lake was pretty far away from Sean's house, but walking all the way back would at least give me something to do.

"No, come on. Here," he dissapeared behind a tree and came back holding two six packs of beer, a huge grin plastered on his face. "I also have some tequila back there I borrowed from my old man."

He gestured back to the tree line and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

This felt wrong, in every possible way. I shouldn't spend the day with Kenny getting plastered.

But for some reason, I didn't want to leave, not really. For the first time in weeks, I felt seminormal. This, getting drunk with guys and hooking up, was what I did before Sean. Before... everything went to shit.

I felt almost like myself, and it sent a thrill through me.

"What do you say?" Kenny lifted the two six packs as if they were an offering, the glass bottles clinking against each other.

I glanced back at the road we'd come from. There was nothing but cold emptiness waiting for me if I went back. Kenny promissed at least some semblance of normalcy. Of the Before.

I turned back to him and nodded, setting my backpack down. "Let's do this."

The rest of the day was kind of blurry. I remember finishing the first six pack with Kenny in almost record time. I remember hearing him talk about nothing in particular and everything. The warm afternoon sun that was chased away by the chilly evening breeze. I remember texting Sean to let him know I'd skipped school and needed a break from life in general. 

Everything sort of slipped away from me after Kenny cracked open the tequila. It was cheap and tasted like crap. But the way it burned was familiar. So I drank until I couldn't remember the pain or the feeling of having my face pushed and scrapped against a cold and unforgiving ground.

I smiled and I forgot, just for a moment, how broken I was.

"I'm so fucking horny, this tree is starting to look hot." Kenny said, handing me the bottle.

I laughed before taking a swig. When I set the bottle between my legs, I noticed he'd moved closer.

"You're also pretty hot." He almost purred, one hand trailing up my leg.

I chuckled and batted it away. "I have a boyfriend."

He pouted and took the tequila from between my legs, forearm lingering over my thigh.

"He's not here, is he? And I won't tell." He licked the rim of the bottle before taking a big swig.

I shook my head, tilting it back to look up at the stars. They weren't fully out yet, the last remnants of daylight still casting them in shadows.

"You used to be more fun before you had a boyfriend." He murmured, hot breath fanning over my neck.

The memory of snickers and unwanted hands touching me flashed through my mind.

We're having fun, aren't we?

I grabbed the bottle from Kenny and pushed him and the memory away. There was no place for that now.

That was the After. I wanted to stay in the Before for as long as I could.

I closed my eyes and drank greedily. I didn't pause, not when the burn made me choke or when alarm bells started to ring in my head.

"Whoa, slow down." Kenny pulled the bottle from me, tequila spilling down my chin and onto my clothes. "I don't want to have to take you to the hospital or something."

I chuckled, even if there was nothing funny about what he'd just said.

"No more hospitals, just leave me here." I extended my arms to encompass the trees and Lake, knocking into Kenny's chest and making him snicker.

"This tequila tastes like crap," he grimaced after taking another swig. "Cheap bastard. You'd think with all that money, he'd at least buy decent booze."

"Who?" I asked, my foggy brain making it difficult to keep up with whatever Kenny was talking about.

"My father. He's a cheap bastard."

"Why does he have cheap tequila if he's rich?" for some reason, that seemed like an important question I needed answered.

"My dad likes cheap women, so I guess he buys them cheap tequila." Kenny shrugged and took another sip before passing me the bottle.

"Right." I mumbled, staring down at the thing in my hands before taking a big gulp of the amber liquid.

I felt Kenny's gaze on me, almost like a physical touch. I stared up at the sky, hoping a glance at the stars and the pleasant heat sliding down my throat would distract me from the uncomfortable feeling of him staring at me.

"How about you? How do you like your guys?" he nudged my foot with his and leaned his back against a tree.

My thoughts immediately flew to Sean. I couldn't tell Kenny what type of guys I liked. I honestly didn't know. I'd gone from random fucks whose faces I didn't even remember, to falling in love with my best friend. There'd been no middle ground.

So I couldn't tell Kenny how I liked my guys. I just knew I loved one that was sweet and fragile. Very awkward, that made funny noises whenever something startled him, and stronger than he gave himself credit for. That for some unknown, godforsaken reason, saw something in me worth loving back.

I didn't deserve Sean. Not as friend, and sure as hell not as a boyfriend. Even if my heart whispered quietly that I'd found the one person I never wanted to let go of. The one I wanted to always have within arm's reach. For as long as my miserable life lasted.

We were supposed to be studying, but we were playing videogames. I cheered as my car finished the race ahead of Shawnie's.

"Yeah, that's how it's done!" I pumped my fist in the air and turned to Sean, grinning.

He rolled his eyes but smiled at me fondly. "Rematch."

"Nope. First, I want my prize." I said, setting the control down next to me.

"Prize?" he asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at me. "And what would your prize be?"

"You."

His eyes widened briefly as I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him onto my lap. He squeaked but the sound was cut off as I sealed our lips together and slipped my tongue into his mouth.

He pulled away, breathless, and leaned his forehead against mine. "I could go for this whole reward-base system."

I chuckled and kissed him again, making him groan as I bit his bottom lip and soothed it with my tongue.

"Does this mean you'll let me win our rematch?"

He scoffed. "Dream on, tough guy. Besides, homework."

I groaned and buried my nose in the crook of his neck. "Have mercy."

He chuckled but it turned into a gasp as I kissed and licked the side of his neck.

I didn't know if it was weird liking the way his skin tasted or wanting to lick him, every inch of him, all the time. Frankly, I didn't care if it was.

"No more procrastinating. Homework." He sounded almost regretful as he hopped to his feet and away from my grasp.

Resigned to my fate of reading about people long dead, I picked up my backpack from the corner it had been relegated to, and made my way back to the bed.

Sean was already laying on his stomach, resting on his elbows and surrounded by two open books and a notepad. His gaze never left his history textbook as I settled next to him, mimicking his pose.

We lay side by side on his bed, staring at our respective textbooks. Shawnie paused every now and then to scribble something down on his notepad. I just read the assigned chapters, finishing a lot faster than him.

I glanced at Sean, not wanting to distract him while trying to figure out how much longer he wanted to study for. The notepad in front of him was filled with words and arrows that connected said words to dates. He frowned slightly as he read every line carefully, and bit his tongue, the tip peeking out from between lips I'd love to spend the rest of the night devouring.

I might've leered at him. Just a bit.

His leg nudged mine and his foot brushed against my calf. I was sorry to see his tongue disappear back into his mouth, but felt blood rush down my body and heat pool in my stomach as he bit his lower lip in concentration.

Torn between letting him study and wanting him to focus his attention on me instead of the textbook, I resigned myself to just stare at him while he studied. Like a creeep.

I watched as he blinked, frowned, and tapped the pencil against the page before sticking the end between his teeth. His green eyes scanned the page and he blew  absentmindedly at the lock of hair falling over them. I thought, right then and there, that I'd never see anything look as beautiful as he did laying on his stomach, staring intensely at our history book.

I felt my heart contract, like it was being squeezed by an invisible hand, before it started to beat faster in my chest. My hands itched to reach out and touch him. Maybe push that stubborn lock of hair behind his ear, pull his face to mine and get another taste of his soft lips.

He lay there, oblivious to my wayward thoughts. His arm moved slightly as he wrote down another insignifficant date on his notepad, and connected it to a random word. His forearm brushed mine and my skin tingled at the contact. I wanted more. But I tried my hardest not to interrupt him and just sighed.

Admittedly, I probably stared at him for longer than was appropriate. But, seeing as he did the same whenever he thought I wasn't looking, I didn't feel so bad.

It made me feel a little pathetic, realizing that I could just stare at him for hours and hours, studying every single one of his movements and commiting them to memory.

He wasn't perfect, there was no such thing. But he was gorgeous and took my breath away without even trying. How could I have gone all those years looking at him without ever actually seeing him?

He smiled slowly and turned to look at me.