A New Battle

Worthless

♘ "We're going to try something a little bit different today." Riku put down his pen and pad on the table between them.

"Alright." Ken said.

♘ "I want you to take a seat on the couch over here." Ken laid down on the most stereotypical therapist couch he's ever seen. He forced a laugh as Riku sat on the chair across from him.

♘ "We are going to do a guided meditation of sorts. I do this with a lot of my patients, and now I've gotten to know your past-- I think this will really help you."

"Okay."

♘ "Close your eyes." Ken obeyed. "Imagine a ten year old version of yourself sitting right here on this couch,"

♘ "Now this was the boy who first believed he was an embarrassment. 

♘ "I want you to imagine him sitting their right now. Now tell that little boy he's an embarrassment. Tell that little boy he's worthless." 

He waited for an answer but Ken remained completely still.

♘ "Tell that little boy he's useless, a mistake." He waited again. Ken clenched his fists but remained silent. "Tell that little boy that he doesn't deserve to be alive!" 

He waited once more, but the waterfall on his desk was the only thing filling this room with noise.

♘ "Because that's what you do every single day when you say that to yourself. And you convince yourself that you're an embarrassment. And a burden. Do you think he's worthless?"

"No," He sobbed, pressing the ball of his fist into his eyes.

♘ "No? Or useless?"

"No."

♘"No? or an embarrassment? Or horrible, or a burden?"

"Just stop it!" His words could barley be made out between each sob. "Alright? no." He sucked in a wavering breath.

♘ "What do you want to say to that little boy? If that's how he said he felt about himself." He waited. "What would you tell him?

"That he's fine," He whispered.  "That he's perfect."

♘ "That's what you need to tell yourself, every time you feel that panic-- that anxiety. You need to sooth yourself like you would for that little boy."

♘"You're amazing at fighting for others-- but their's nothing wrong fighting for your own sake."

Ken sobbed, putting his face in his knees.

♘ "None of this makes you weak. You deserve to love yourself... Everyone around you thinks so. Your wife, your best friend-- they love you and forgive you and LOVE you. You deserve to give yourself the same kindness. Yeah?"

"Yeah."

♘ "You need to tell yourself that everything is going to be okay."

Ken laughed the urge to grab his chin.

"Okay."

'I can stand any pain as long as it has reason, but this transcends logic. This is truly a never ending war.'

"I am worthy," Ken said, but the words were bitter on his tongue.