A New Battle

Written in blood

Touka woke up to an empty bed. She could smell freshly brewed coffee wafting in from the kitchen.

She got out of her pajama's and put on a dress and leggings. Touka consolidated her hair up into a pony tale, she searched her wrists for something to tie it up, but found nothing.

Touka cursed under her breath and opened the draw of Kaneki's bedside table. The draw was completely empty except for a black and white pocket sized notebook.

She lifted the notebook and let a thick red substance seep through the pages of the notebook.

Her hair fell back down to her shoulders as he opened the first page.

8/10 

It feels so weird not to be unconscious anymore. That sounds so weird. I've been able to walk, and actually live my life for a week now, but I keep having that nightmare. It haunts every part of my day. I'm afraid to even go near Touka. I've hurt so many people so how should I believe that I could be a good husband or father like Yomo and Hinami say I will be? I don't even know why I'm writing this. 

8/20

Yoriko took me to a therapist. I don't like it. It feels dumb. It's helping a lot but I feel like I'm lying. Lying to Touka and Riku. I don't think that I am. But what do I know? What is the truth anyway?

8/25

Riku says this journal thing is good to write in, and I should write in it daily.

8/26

I have nothing to say.

Pages were torn out of the binding, and some pages were scribbled over.

8/29

There are too many words in my head. I can't keep up with my thoughts. Writing it just makes me realize how fucking crazy I am.

9/02

I would give everything I have, and everything I will ever have just to feel pain again. I can't feel anything.

9/10

I feel like things are finally getting better.

9/20

I feel guilty feeling this okay.

9/23

We think that pain is the worst feeling. It isn't. How could anything be worse then this eternal silence inside me? It makes me miss the shouting voices.

9/25

I wish I could run a razor blade across my skin. I want to feel the pain to make sure I'm still alive. I want to see my blood to make sure I'm still human. But I don't think I would get the answer I want.

10/05

Can you get addicted to the feeling of dying?

10/14

I wrote a suicide note today. Just to see what it felt like. I feel better. Seeing it on paper makes me realize how selfish it is to feel this way. Their is no way I could do that after everything I managed to survive. I couldn't do that to Touka.

10/15

Could I?

10/17

Touka asks me why I can't open up to her. I don't know how to answer. Because the biggest problem isn't the past. The biggest problem isn't how I feel. The problem is that I can't feel anything-- until all of the emotions come in at once.

11/02

Touka found my suicide note. I'm afraid she will find this too.

11/03

Touka is the reason I get up in the morning. She makes everything feel alright.

11/05 

Is getting better even possible?

11/06

I'm telling everyone I'm okay.

11/07

I'm lying

11/08

If I just believe it too it won't be a lie right?

11/12

I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make a difference.

11/14

Am I alive?

11/16

Why am I so angry that I lived?

11/19

Things will get better. They have too.

11/21

Touka still asks why I can't open up to her. But it feels like reciting your midnight tragedy's to the sunrise. You don't want to spoil such a beautiful thing with darkness. She doesn't deserve that. This isn't about her.

11/23

I can finally understand why Jason tortured others. It did bring a sick kind of  happiness. I know I was laughing.

11/25

I thought I've come to terms with my own meaning of life. So why is it still so fucking empty?

11/27

People ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm okay, but what does that even mean?

11/29 [A/N This is dated yestersay, from when Touka is reading it.]

KILL ME PLEASE

The phrase took over the entire page. It was written in scarlet. It was written in a substance she knew far too well. She turned the last page and saw five words written in small handwriting on the center of the page.

I wish it would scar.