at 17

yooo, the end?

So,

I'm eighteen, turned eighteen a while ago. I'm just... I don't even know, pretty sure I've been avoiding writing this chapter: for a reason I don't even want to figure out.

I think it's because of the fact that this age fashioned some of the most difficult moments I've ever faced in my life.

The illusions of reality, society and the navigation of all kinds of relationships.

God,
My family,
Friends,
Strangers...

Having to work on my own career, the future of my educational standing.

Who will I be?

And at the start of my seventeenth year, God was the only one who knew the answer to that question, he'd already conjured a reality for me that I didn't even know existed: I would only see it as it fell into place.

But later on, my strength fought a brave war with Stress, my demons and angels.

The war is still being fought, instead there is no longer a patch of no mans land with bodies scattered across it and my enemies rejoicing at my allies failure.

I believe that I've stopped looking at life so narcissistically and ominously because my thoughts can't get a hold of themselves. I've made a plan, I'm trying, I'm at the frontlines with my allies giving out orders and hope in a sick outfit.

I'm looking at the enemy, that's stolen my property, and I'm ready to get myself back.

What I want in the future requires me to have a good relationship with God, to trust and be confident in him because it's filled with a bunch of uncertainties.

Law? I picked law? Was it even meant to be? Everyone was telling me to go down that route, there was no other option that ever appealed to me.

I can't tell you how many times I've just yelled "Lord, help me please." In my head.

Today, I went to church and he said "When Jesus saves us, it doesn't stop, he continues to restore us so that we fulfil our destined roles.
He's able and willing, we may be able to to believe he is able but falter to believe that the lord is always willing to help us."

And I didn't realise how much I needed to realise that until now, writing these words I've realised;

I've told God I'm sorry so many times for the self centred ish' I do and I believe he's is able to forgive me; but the confidence to believe that's he's willing to forgive me always wavered. I even sat there in the balcony in the church and said, "I knew that...".

I want love, I crave it with every inch and muscle of my being. I want to be cuddled and caressed by someone, I'm definitely going to cringe later on, but I'm being so real. I think that's also what I've been dealing with and I don't have anyone to talk about it with. The desires and wants. Having a deep conversation and getting lost in it is such a commodity these days that finding it with anything is making me cross boundaries that needn't be crossed.

I've missed so many opportunities because I feel so awkward, too shy at times. If I could just talk, be confident in myself and that all revolves around my relationship with God.

Building a relationship with God, builds yourself up; that is why I keep reiterating this. Confidence, wisdom, etc.

I think I'm done writing, I think all I want at 18 is to be able defeat my worst demon, that God and I will only know of.

peace, thanks for reading this, give me feedback; tell me what was your favourite chapter, what spoke to you the most, did you relate?? Anything tbh, lmao, bye to seventeen.

Face reveal in "eighteen"?