A BLOGGER'S LOVE LETTER ~completed~

ENTRY#1

[a/n: ppls play embedded video]

Entry#1

Date: August012010

Title: where are you?

My Heart,

It’s been what? Three days since I last saw you. Three sleepless nights… Nights full of torments, anxiety, and nightmare perhaps without you. You should have listened to me. The day na nagpaalam kang you have this tour in Korea, I should have said NO. Because I felt something’s gonna happen. And tama nga ako.

For the first time in the last three years that we’re together, I never missed you this bad. Well, I guess there’s always a first time. We’ve never been separated since the day na naging tayo. Right? Just this time.. yeah.. just this time..

I think it was 7 in the morning, I haven’t eaten my breakfast yet, nor have I taken my first sip in my coffee. Turned the TV on, and saw this… devastating news. “Plane 45621 bound to Korea last night crashed in the Pacific Ocean. Officers believe that none of the passengers survived.” the reporter said. I immediately picked up my phone and look for your flight details. Not that I’m worried that you’re one of the passengers, God won’t allow that for sure.

Plane number: 4..5..6..21. Fvck! Are you fucking kidding me right now? Excused my words but yeah, that’s the first thing that pops in my head. I mean you’ve got to be kidding me right? I have here your last sms: “baby, loob na kami ng airplane. I love you always” – so hindi pwede.

My phone rang just as fast as I jump off my chair in disbelief. – your mom. She told me that someone called her from the airlines I think, informing her that yeah.. you’re one of the passengers. That you are actually in that plane; That the plane crashed; that you have a little chance of surviving – maybe none. How encouraging right?

I will be honest to you. I hardly understood a word from your mother. Well, she’s crying. Something’s fell on my cheeks as well. Tears?yeah.. it is tears. I asked your mother to come and visit the airlines, but she refused. She said, it won’t make any difference. I gave her an assuring words; words that I can’t even believe myself. You wanna know what it is?I said that everything will be alright, and that you’re a strong lady, God won’t allow anything bad happen to you.

Yeah.. I know.. but hey, Nothing’s impossible right?I know you’re a strong lady. Remember the times when you used to punch me? I find myself smiling right now. You have this strong personality that the first time I saw you three years ago, I said and it’s clear to me that you are completely out of my league. But look? I got you. Nothing’s impossible.. Nothing’s impossible. I was asked by your mom to pray for you. C’mon, she shouldn’t ask me that, right? Of course I’ll do that. Her cry melted me. I can feel the pain.

Pain that might be unbearable for her, she’s dying right now…figuratively. Tears roll down my face for the nth time. She hung up. I was dumbfounded. I want to think that this might just be a dream, but I have pinched myself a thousand times still no luck.

I tried to calm myself. I tried to look for that effin’ composure. I bowed my head. No. I stumbled down. Knelt. Cried. Again, you made me do the things that I’m not used to do. I prayed. Do you wanna hear my prayer? Alright.. It goes something like this:

“ I know that I’ve never been a good son to you. I don’t even know if you treat me as one.

I have never called you before. Even when my mom left me. Never. I learned to be strong and not to show any weakness to others. I mastered that. But you know what? I have this girl, who I loved so much and is currently missing. She’s stubborn I know. I never loved a girl like this before Lord. Never have I experienced being loved so much as well. I know you know that. I’ve never experienced to be loved by anyone. Not even my parents. May I ask you to save her. Lord..” Tears again, roll down my face. I can’t even speak, feels like I’m choking. I continue my prayer: “Save her. I’m willing to do anything, willing to give up everything. Just not this Lord.. Not this. Please.”

For a moment, I felt peace. Prayer calmed me. I don’t know it will feel this good. For a moment, I find myself at peace.

Even if your mom did not go to the airlines, I did. I can’t be just sitting here, waiting for news. But just what she said.. just exactly as what she said.. It’s no use. They don’t have information either. I got mad. Yeah I know you wouldn’t want that, but I got crossed. Those people are not doing their jobs properly. I think I scolded their manager for not being able to provide us the information of your whereabouts. Nor was he able to ensure your safety. Nor was he able to assure us that everything will be alright. That was the moment that I was dragged out of their office.

Remember the first time that I was involved in a fight? You scolded me. But that was not my fault. Those douchebags are putting up their f*cking bad faces on us. I just gave them their lesson. You’d got mad, and said that if ever that I’ll be involved in another fight I’ll lose you. Pardon me Jen, this time I did it for you.

I headed home. I stoop on the accelerator of the car as hard as I can. 80?90?110?150? I completely lost track of my speed. I was at home in no time. Turned the TV on waiting for that fvcking news. SMS and calls came flooding my mobile. They are all worried and want to know if you’re okay. Of course, I don’t have the strength to answer them. Who the hell care? They are like, the least of my priorities right now. News TV started to flash names of the included passengers. Unfortunately, I saw yours. I found myself shaking.

I know you’ll get through this. No, we’ll get through this. This is just another test of our relationship. I’m used to it. I know.. I have this feeling that you’re alive. I know... Because my heart still beats.

Sincerely,

John