A BLOGGER'S LOVE LETTER ~completed~

ENTRY#2

[a/n: kindly play the embedded video :) ]

Entry#2

Date: August022010

Title: I died

My Heart,

The sound of my mobile phone woke me up. I find it hard to open my eyes as the brightness of my mobile blinds me. Someone's calling - your mom. I spoke to your Mom and for the second time, I heard her sob. Her cry. Her pain. I cannot bear listening to her. Her voice was weak. She asked me to accompany her today.

As soon as we hang up, I immediately jumped off my bed, put on my pants, a polo shirt, the one that you bought me last month. It became my favorite shirt these past few days. I didn't take my breakfast and just drove as fast as I can papunta sa bahay niyo. I found your mom standing in front of your house. She looks so pale like she hasn't eaten for days. Nor have she taken even a single wink of sleep. So frail... so weak... I got off the car and open the door for her. Then she said thank you.

There's a deafening silence between us. An ice that is too hard to break even by the strongest fire. I don't wanna ask if she's alright. I know that would be the dumbest question ever, because I know she's not. I guess, she felt the tension between us as well, she started opening her mouth. You wanna know how our conversation goes? It's kinda like this:

Your mom: Thanks for taking care of jen.

Me: It's my pleasure to love her mom. *Yeah, I started calling her that last year right?*

Your mom: She's lucky to have you John.

Me: No, Im lucky to have her.

Your mom: Now, her dad will be the one who'll take care of her.

Me: What do you mean?

She didn't answer my last question. I already know the answer... I just... I just don't know how to accept it. We stopped in front of a parlor. A funeral parlor. I wanna ask your mom what the hell are we doing in a place like this. But I managed to just keep it to myself. Your mom started to walk towards a table with a person covered with a white blanket. I heard a man said: 'she's here ma'am'.

Your mom slowly uncovered the person. The way how she uncovered the person is killing me. And there you are, sleeping like a baby. Sleeping peacefully. Your mom started wailing the moment she saw your lifeless body. The truth flashed before me. They rubbed me the pain. The pain of losing you; the pain of being alone; the pain of emptiness.

I want to run till it hurts no more. I wanna run till my feet hurt like hell that it will be enough to compensate the pain that I'm currently feeling. But there was I, standing in front of you, dumbfounded. In a glimpse, my life was shattered, including all the plans that we have and the future that we'll make. In a glimpse, I died.

Your mom looked at me, as if saying that it's my turn to cry. But I have shed a million tears already, I don't know if I could add more. I slowly walked towards you. I don't know how long it took for me to get beside you; all I can hear is my heart. It beats, but it has no life in it. I saw you, a chill run down my spine, I can't speak, I cried. I just cried. I hold your hands; squeezed it hoping that you'll hold mine in return. I kissed your forehead. I kissed your lips. Something's different now, it's cold as an ice, the ice that I and your mom tried to break earlier today, but just like that ice, not even the fire from hell can melt it.

The caretaker I guess broke the tension. He gave me a plastic bag, he said that everything inside that bag belongs to you, (please see embedded photo)I looked at it. It includes the lucky charm bracelet that I bought January this year from a Chinese vendor. I bought a pair. Since that day, we never take it off our arms, because I told you that it will bring bad luck if you're going to take it off.

I also saw our rings. Yes... rings, remember when we bought a new pair of it because you lost the first one, but after a week, you found it, so we have two rings. I first thought that it's kinda weird to wear two rings, but when I saw you wearing those, I forced myself to get used to it.It also includes your anklet. We bought a pair of anklet during our stay in Boracay on our first year. It's originally blue in color but I guess time fades things.

I forced a smile, a meaningless one. Your mom hugged me. I don't know how to stop her from crying because I myself cannot stop the pain.

I sat down while waiting for the documents to be released, so that we can bring you home. For the second time I spoke to the Lord. I prayed:

"Lord, I thought you undertand me. I thought that it's clear that I can't live without her, that I can take everything, huwag lang 'to... Lord...ako nalang...take me instead. Life without her is meaningless. How could you take away the person I love more than my life? How could you hurt me a thousand times? You don't love me. You don't."

I remember the time when you said that everything has its purpose. A universal reason why things happen, yeah... A big and meaningful reason that God only knows. I don't understand. I can't understand. I don't want to understand. All I know is you took my life with you. I died.

We decided to have your remains cremated, because you're scared in cemetery. And we can't imagine leaving you there alone. Of course I don't want that. So we have your remains cremated and took you along. After four days, you're finally home. Your mom set up a mini altar on your living room. Your house was not the same as before. It's gloomy, it' sad, it's dark, it's dead.

Your mom lighted a candle, a scented one. She kept on wiping on your new house. Wiping it,while crying, while screaming your name..You wanna hear a bit of what she said:

"anak...jen..jen..bakit anak..?"

I kiss your urn. I finally have strength and courage to bid you goodbye. I don't get it. What's good with that word? - none. It's just suffering and pain. Nothing's good in goodbye. Nothing, especially if it's for you.

It's been a long, tiring day my heart. I'm currently looking at our photos in my room. I'm browsing the scrapbook that you gave me on our second anniversary. We really had fun. You really love me right? NO. Because you left me.

I don't have even the slightest idea that missing you will be this bad. I am missing you terribly. If I could just turn back the hands of time, I should have laid down in the path of your car the moment that you left for Korea. Perhaps you got off your car and did not leave. Perhaps you did not die.

I now feel guilty about your mishaps. If I just... I miss you jen. I love you.

With love,

John