A BLOGGER'S LOVE LETTER ~completed~

ENTRY#7

A/N: Maraming Salamat po sa pagbasa..:):)

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ENTRY#7

Date: Feb142011

Title: Forever and ever

My Heart,

I had this crazy dream last night. I found a lamp with a genie in it and he asked me three wishes. I said that I only have one wish – to be with you, with a single snap of his fingers, I saw you walking towards me, with that bright and sweet smile. You are wearing a long white dress and a flower on your hair. But as you came near me, your face changed into a sad-almost-crying expression.

You touched my face and a tear rolls down your face, I closed my eyes, feeling your hands. Those hands that I missed so much; you carressed me with so much passion that I can’t stop myself from crying. You said those words that I dreaded to hear. You said that you want me to move on and be happy, even if you are not a part of it anymore, even if I have to do it alone.

I cried. I told you that I will always love you and that I won’t find anyone who’ll come close to you. You vanished into thin air while whispering the words “you must”.

The sunrays hit my face, as if telling me that it will be a good day. It is a day that everyone should be happy, a day good for a date: a Valentines date. I again, remembered the how we celebrate the valentines; we usually go to a place, set up a picnic and spend the day together. Hours full of endless chatting, sharing of experiences, sharing of dreams, that’s how we spend it.

I found myself staring at my ceiling. We painted it blue to mimic the color of an ocean. You said that you always loved seas and different bodies of water. I folded my arms and out it under my head while reminiscing the days that we’re together; the days that you’re still here.

A cold breeze kissed my body; I remember my dream that you want me to be happy. You want me to move on and have a different life. I don’t know Jen, I don’t want to. How I wished you could take my heart off my chest and watch me die – that’s how bad I need you Jen.

Today’s Valentines Day, which I now think is the most racist holiday. How could those couples celebrate it knowing that there’s someone who’s miserable, someone’s who’s dying every single day? How could they? But I guess, just like what I said to you last time, the world wont stop spinning just because you’re broken. It wont be grey just because that’s the only color left in your life; they wont cry just because you’re wailing – such a heartless world.

I got off my bed and headed the shower room. The world is more heartless when you’re alone. I let the water from the shower run my body, the bathtub caught my attention. I saw how happy we were when we’re having our bath in that bathtub. You’re laughing while I am scrubbing your back, it’s ticklish I know. I kissed the back of your neck and you rested your head on my forehead. How wonderful my life is, when you’re still here.

Instead of me moving on everyday, I found my self stranded on the softsand of my love for you; everyday I’m sinking, everyday it worsening. And there’s no way that I can remove myself now. I will be stuck here – forever.

I put on a blue polo shirt and white pants, had my breakfast and drove my way to you. Mom greeted me with a big smile on her face; it’s been months since we last saw each other. She hugged me and asked if I’m going to take you out. I said yes and she kissed my forehead.

She handed me your urn and I put it in a wooden box. I kissed your mom and bid goodbye, she said that I should take care of you, which I think is inappropriate since I, of course will take really good care of you.

I drove our way to Batangas, I made areservation there months ago, since I was expecting the turn out of couples for Valentines Day. You were sitting safely besides me, with a seatbelt on – just to be safe.

This is the first time that Im gonna be with you – I mean with your urn. We arrived at our destination past one in the afternoon; we had our lunch and headed to our hotel room. I carefully placed you on the bed as I lay next to you. I put my hands on top of your wooden case – your cold wooden case.

I hugged your urn, pretending that it’s you. For a moment, I can’t hear anything rather than my breathing; heavy breathing.

I lost track of time and fell asleep, in my dreams, I was hugging you but you’re just looking straight into my eyes. I tried to decipher what is on your mind but it seems that I am looking on a vast blue ocean – unfathomable.

I woke up at 5:30PM. Thirty minutes past my plan. I immediately put on a white longsleeve with a black tie, white pants with a black leather belt and a black leather shoes. I brought you along to the shore; it’s so romantic with the sound of waves, the red-orange sunset and all. I also brought my speaker and an ipod player. I played one of our favorite song, you used to sing me this with a piano right? – I will be here.

From a distance there’s this old altar, more like a grotto type, with a small, beautiful cross on it – perfect for my plan. I then started to walk towards it, holding you so dearly, while the song’s playing on the background. I love the lyrics of the songs, although you’re not here physically, I can feel it. I am fullfiling our plan to get married after three years. I am fullfiling it alone.

A tear rolls down my face as I walked towards the altar, every lyrics of the song is incredible, seems like it’s reading the content of my heart out loud. I walked slowly as I don’t want that moment to end; thoughts came flooding my brain again, the days when we planned our wedding. You said that it would be romantic to get married on a beach with the sunset and the waves.

When we reached the altar I carefully put you in front of it and from my pocket I pulled out a small red box with a small ribbon on it. I then open it, and there’s this cute pair of rings, a simple white gold ring with a diamond on top. I bought it few months back, I should have bought it with you.

The song ended as soon as I pulled the ring out, it’s time for my vow now… Ready?

“My heart, this ring signifies my never ending love for you; I take you with all your faults, strengths, weaknesses, and success. You are my bestfriend, my sister, my confidant, worst critic, and number one fan.

I laugh because of you, I smile, I frown, I got mad, I experienced happiness as well, I got excited but was never been bored with you.

From this day onwards, I’ll promise you, I will laugh with you whenever you’re happy and will be your shoulder to comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share your dreams, and will be your number one supporter for you to have your goals. I love you – to infinity and beyond.”

I put the rings on top of the box and kiss you. I carried you near the shore and sit beside you. I watched the sun fully set on the horizon. And headed the room.

This is what we planned right jen? To get married… to start a family… to live the dream… Unfortunately, we won’t be able to fulfill that. Crap. I don’t know how to get through with this.

It’s been how many months since we last slept together. I’m excited to wake up beside you. I love you – to infinity and beyond.

Love,

John