A BLOGGER'S LOVE LETTER ~completed~

ENTRY#4

[a/n: please play the embedded video J ]

ENTRY#4

Date: October092010

Title: The 4th

My Heart,

I forced myself to wake up at 5:30AM, starting my day right as I know it will be a long day. I opened my laptop which I think took forever to finally be up and running. Browsed the facebook, and searched for your profile. I didn’t mind the notifications and chats that came up as I have one thing in mind.

Finally, I have your profile up in my screen. Your display picture did not change – of course. It’s the picture of us together a week before you left me. You’re smiling while you’re hugging me. We are standing in front of a fountain. Looking so perfect together: as always. You made me smile, but cried at the same time.

I badly miss your smile. Those smile, that picked me up when im at my worst. The smile that made me forgets all my worries. Smile that I love, from the person I love.

I browsed your profile. Well, of course, majority of the wall posts came from me. But there are posts from your friends as well, telling you how much they miss you. See? You’re important; there are a lot of people who loves you. I started to write on your wall, which I find hard because I don’t know where to start. Alright, I finally got my thoughts organised:

Hi baby. How are you? I hope you notice how much you’ve been missed here. There’s an outpouring of love and support for you, which for sure, something to smile about, right? I still find it hard to sleep at night, as I still waiting for your text messages. I badly miss your goodnights, your kisses, your phone calls, your smile, your giggles, the way you look at me, the yelling sometimes… I miss every part of you. I myself don’t know how I was able to survive until this day.

Honestly, I want to be mad at you for leaving me this early, and with this kind of situation. I wanna yell at you so loud because you left me alone. But I can’t. Thanks to our friends who are always there to support me, who always say that everything will be just fine, and that everything happens for a reason. That fvcking g’damn reason which up until now, I can’t understand and I don’t have even a single clue about it. But, yeah, maybe that’s how life goes. Maybe that’s meant to happen.

I wish you’re here with me Jen, how I wish you’re here to celebrate our fourth year with me. Four years of love, friendship, tears, joy, pain, triumph, of ups and down. Time really fly so fast when you’re having fun. It seems that it’s only yesterday when I met you.

You’re unfair Jen, so unfair. We planned that we will go back to where it all started right? You promised me that we’ll gonna have a blast this year. That we’ll be having the best celebration ever of our anniversary, but it seems that ill be doing it alone.

Having said that, I thank you, for being the best part of my life, something that I wanna have forever, something that I’LL cherish forever. Thank you for giving me the best feeling in the world. Thank you for the opportunity to love and take care of you. Thank you, Jen.

I will post a photo of my gift, and please do remember that wherever you are my star, I love you. I love you, to infinity and beyond.

I logged out and turned my laptop off. Went for a shower and put my best clothes for today’s occasion. I ate my breakfast and took a sip of my coffee – the usual. I went out and drive my way to your house.

I saw your mom, watering the roses in your garden. I kissed her in the cheeks and she hugged me. She joyfully escorted me inside your house and prepared a snack for me. I felt sorry for your mom, actually. I can’t deny the fact that she’s glad to see me, as it’s apparent in her eyes. She said that she miss you of course and glad that I paid her a visit since she feels lonely sometimes. I said that I’ll visit her more often and maybe we two can go out for a lunch or something.

I kissed you and bid goodbye to you and to your mom. Your urn is so cold; I wanna wrap it in my arms and close to my heart so you could feel a bit warm. Next stop: the place where we’ve met.

It’s almost three in the afternoon when I reached my second destination: KFC in MOA. Remember this place? I ordered the same food that I ordered four years back and sat down on the same place four years ago. I remember a lady asked if she can join me as there’s no available table left, I was… a little starstruck, I was in awe actually, perhaps that’s what they call love at first sight, you cant blame me! Your dazzling, with those blue shirt and a skinny jeans, those long hair and those eyes, I snapped back to reality when you asked the question again. I said yes, and the rest, let’s call it history.

After that, I went to our park. Well, it’s not ours as in ours technically, but we call it our park since we’re always here. I bought an ice cream from the vendor who we have known over time. He asked me: “where’s Jen?” I just smiled, paid the ice cream and sat down on our favorite swing. Our past flashed before me again – I hate it. We’re sitting here, eating the ice cream and talking about random things. Your studies, how you miss your father, your mom, my mom, my family and yeah, basically everything.

I bought a cotton candy – the blue one, ‘because it’s your favorite, I don’t see any difference when it comes to the taste though. I sat down on a bench near the pond, watching the lovely fish. Suddenly a tear rolls down my face. I was crossed actually, as I don’t know why am I crying? Why am I being hurt like this? Why am I experiencing this torment; this pain? Why can’t I remove you from my mind; from my system? Why?

It was once said that for you to move on, you need to experience the pain and get through it. Through every bit of it, so that next time, you will recognize that feeling and will be able to detach yourself from it. Which I never thought it will be this bad. It feels like im dying, slowly and in the most painful way possible. Why can’t I just die instead?

I’m currently browsing the scrapbook that I made which is supposed to be my anniversary gift for you. It includes photos, cinema tickets, letters, bus tickets, and tons of memories. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to give it to you. Maybe some other time, right?

I took a picture of it and posted it on your facebook. The message that I posted this morning, got 18000 likes and 15000 shares – whoah, that’s awesome right? Again Jen, happy 4th anniversary! I love you – to infinity and beyond.

John