be my first || johnyong

seven,

The walk to the park never felt longer than it did that night.

If he believed in things like destiny, he would have thought the fates had conspired to give him the perfect night.

Everything from the grass to the trees was tinged silver by the light of the full moon overhead. It was beautiful.

But with every step Taeyong took, his nerves coiled tighter and tighter.

Yeah, maybe the setting was perfect.

Taeyong, however, was not.

Inside, he was totally petrified.

It wasn't that he was afraid of Johnny. Or of the sex, really.

It was more the idea of disappointing Johnny that had him nervous.

He knew Johnny would never tease him, not about something like that, and it wasn't as if Johnny didn't know that Taeyong was a virgin.

But, when he thought of all of the possible ways he could mess up or make a fool of himself in front of him during the next few hours... well, that was scary.

Above all, he didn't want Johnny to think of him as some ridiculous kid.

He wanted it to be great for Johnny. Beyond great.

Then when Johnny wanted him, craved him, couldn't go five minutes without thinking about him, maybe he'd finally have just a small clue how Taeyong had been feeling for the last five years.

Ever since that moment a week before Taeyong turned fourteen when Johnny stepped through his parents front door and brought all of the sunshine and warmth in the world right along with him.

Johnny was Taeyong's number one crush, ultimate fantasy, dream come to life. You name it, that's what Johnny was to Taeyong.

The attraction was unshakable. And maybe there was even a part of him—a little, tiny, miniscule part—that was already in love with Johnny.

So, was it any wonder that he was nervous?

Not actually.

Sucking in a deep breath, Taeyong closed the remaining distance to the park.

Johnny was leaning against the tree, turned as Taeyong made his way up the steps.

Taeyong's heart ka-thumped at the sight of him.

Johnny was wearing loose-fitting jeans and a skintight tank top that showed off his toned arms and lightly muscled chest to perfection.

As he drew nearer, Taeyong could see that Johnny's hair was still damp from a recent shower and smell of the bath gel Johnny used. That drove him a little crazy.

Taeyong fought back the appreciative sigh that threatened to break free of his throat.

Focus, Taeyong.

"Hyung," he said, grateful that none of the anxiety he was feeling could be heard in his voice.

Johnny smiled slightly.

"Hey. So, where is this place you know of?"

"My old house was empty but my mom always keeps it ready for visitors. It's perfect."

When Johnny didn't respond right away, Taeyong's started to worried.

"Is that... Hyung? Are you still not comfortable with—"

"No, it's fine," Johnny interrupted with a shake of his head. "Sorry, I was just... never mind. Yeah, that's good."

"Okay."

"Well, let's go then."

While the walk to the park had seemed long, the walk to the house seemed excessively short.

Before Taeyong knew it, they were upstairs in the bedroom.

He tossed the key onto the dresser and then leaned back against it, feeling awkward.

Johnny was looking around the room with a weird expression on his face, but it faded the moment he noticed that Taeyong was watching him, replaced instead by a tight little smile.

"If we're going to do this," he said, "You should probably come closer."

Taeyong's entire body went hot and cold.

He swallowed hard and nodded, then crossed the room to stand beside the bed.

He sat on the edge, still a few feet away from Johnny.

Johnny's smile went from strained to amused.

"Nervous?" he asked as he started to dig into his right pocket.

Taeyong's mouth went dry at the sight of a small tube of lube and handful of condoms.

He stared as Johnny placed the stash on the bedside table.

"D-Do we need those? Not the lube, but the... I mean, you're clean, right? And you know I've never..."

Johnny hesitated for a few seconds.

"Yeah, I'm clean. But, Taeyong, you can't trust just any guy who says that to you."

"I know. I'm not stupid. But you're not just any guy, hyung. I know you'd never put me at risk."

"No." Johnny sighed softly. "I wouldn't."

He stepped closer and sat on the bed next to Taeyong, leaving only a few inches between them.

"Look, I haven't been with anyone since I broke up with my ex in December, and I've been tested a couple times since then. So, yeah, I know for a fact that I'm clean. But you have to promise me something before we do this, Taeyong."

"Okay. Anything."

"Promise me that you won't just take any guy who says that to you at his word. Don't ever let anyone do you bare unless you're monogamous and you know he's committed to you."

Taeyong nodded. That would be an easy enough promise.

He didn't ever want to be with anyone else, but even if he and Johnny never actually got together as a couple, he'd never allow such a thing without a solid foundation of trust.

"Okay, hyung. I swear." He paused and nervously licked his lips. "Have you ever...?"

Johnny shook his head. "No."

"But you... will? With me?"

Johnny turned to face him.

"If that's what you want."

Taeyong searched those eyes, but he couldn't read their expression.

Looking into them sent his anxiety from a low simmer into a rolling boil.

What if he doesn't want this? What if he's just doing this as a favor? What if he sees it as a chore?

Taeyong didn't want that. Any of that.

He didn't want Johnny to feel forced.

Unable to hold those eyes any longer, Taeyong dropped his gaze to his hands, which had started wringing in his lap at some point during the conversation.

"We don't have to do this," he said, and even to his own ears his voice sounded thin.

He was going to cry.

He was going to cry at the thought of what he'd almost pressured Johnny into, and Johnny was going to see him break down.

Johnny was going to think he was a complete idiot. But that was okay.

Taeyong would rather have Johnny think he was ridiculous than ever look back at this moment and feel like he'd been used.

"If you don't want this hyung... if you don't want me... then we can just go back to the way things were."