Don't Do It

I should have stopped

I don't even know why I did it. It just felt right. I wanted to stop but I couldn't, I loved the pain.

It all started in Spanish, I just did it. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess I was just down. So much has happened in my life and now this. Why? I kept asking myself. I got home from school that night and kept doing it. It was just a sharp ruler it won't do anything I kept saying to myself. I knew it would I just couldn't deal with the fact I was doing it.

The next day came swiftly and I felt worse. I was in maths and I could see just what I needed. It was another ruler but sharper. I took it and kept pressing it into my palm. I didn't bleed i made sure of it. I loved the feeling it was  the best sensation I had ever felt. Every time I did it I just felt better about myself I don't know why. I kept doing that for a few days in school and at home. The next stage was yet to come...

A few days had past and I realised the ruler was getting blunt and it wasn't cutting anymore. I also knew it wasn't a great idea to carry what I used on my person in case anybody asked why I had it. My plan was simple because my pen had ran out in school. I kept it till I got home and smashed it under my chair into shards of plastic.

That night I used the shards and ruler to cut myself even more. This was when it got bad. Really bad. I started shoving the plastic into my skin so they would point out and I could just press them. I was like a human piano. The blood started coming and I realised I had to take then out before I got caught. I took them out and held my arm tightly to stop the blood. It worked but I wanted to see my blood it made me feel better about myself so I kept squeezing the cuts. This lasted for a few weeks until it got much worse...

I kept getting asked if I was ok and why was I wearing long sleeves all the time? I didn't comment. I lost all my friends because I was quiet but just caused arguments every time we were talking. Now the questions were Why was I hurting everyone. I couldn't deal with this anymore so I started planning.

In the time I wasn't planning I just got worse and started hurting even more people. I was like a disease and a day didn't go by where I didn't get told to kill myself. I lost the one I loved aswell but this was not my fault even though I thought it was.  I thought I was worthless. I tried to talk to her but she was to bothered about the boy she cheated on me for and she would just scream at me.

I got back one night and grabbed a knife from the kitchen. I ran upstairs hid it under my pillow and started crying. I grabbed my phone and put some music on to drown the sound of my cries. It was depressing music and it just made me think about what I had done and everything that had happened in my life. I grabbed the knife and...I sliced my arm the cut starting from my shoulder to my elbow.

I started crying but this time years of happiness so I kept cutting my arm until the blood was to intense and needed stopping. By this time my arm already had several words engraved in to it like 'die' and 'cut'. I had to be sneaky so I crept downstairs and got a first aid kit to stop the blood. I wound the bandage round the wounds without any one catching me. So I ran back up stairs and put a jumper on. My parents asked me why I was wearing it, I claimed it was because I was cold but I knew deep down I should tell them. They touched my arm as they walked away and sat down. Tears started rolling down my face it was that painful but I got rid of them before they looked at me.

This all happened while I was still planning the big finale. It was tough because in p.e I had to hide my scars so I always got in trouble for going into the changing room early and got many detentions. If only he knew why it was but I couldn't tell him because it felt too good to stop. I only got stopped when my only friend decided to go into the changing room early with me. I took off my shirt and put my other one on. His face looked like he had just seen a flying pig and he asked "What are they on your arm?"

I said I fell into a holly Bush but he didn't believe me so i told him. He understood but was shaken up and started crying. He told me he would get me help but I told him not too. This was when he told me I was wrong and he ran to get me help.

While he tried to get help I tried to get out the p.e changing room door that led to the field and a gate. It was locked. I kept pushing it and pushing it to get out but I realised that was getting me no where. The other door started to open with my friend coming back with help. I knew this was my last chance. I walked back, took a breathe and BANG!!! I was now on the floor and saw my friend looking at me in despair. I started crying and ran home.

That night was when I went really mad. I used a knife, belt and started biting myself. I kept cutting myself violenty with the knife, biting my cuts and then whipping my open cuts with a belt. When I look back I don't know why I did this, I just knew I did not want help off anyone. I knew I needed it though but I would not take it I was to shamed to talk about it to anyone.

I was out of school for weeks feeling ashamed for what I had done but I kept cutting. It was like a buzz that just made me happy and it was the only thing that could just cheer me up. The knife was now my bestfriend and I started to do some research about self harm.

I found out it wasn't just me who self harmed and I gained confidence in the group chats I was involved in with other self harmers. We made each other happy but we still kept cutting. We did discuss self harm but we didn't often because we didn't like to but we ended becoming really close. This gave me more confidence and a few days later I went back to school.

When I got back to school I started getting worse again. I had no friends anymore and I didn't really talk. People didn't like me being quiet and just being there. I kept going to school even though I didn't like it and just kept getting worse.

After a while I left my group chat and resorted to cutting myself really badly again. I didn't want this to be my life so I made sure it wouldn't be.

One night I decided this was it. I had planned it out for months it was time for the big finale. I gathered what I needed and decided this was it. I tried to tell myself not to do it but I couldn't. Now I'm here.

I should have got help but I was to ashamed too. I wouldn't be here if I would have got help now it's up to you to get help for yourself. I understand how hard it is but if you don't want to be where I am get it. I should have took the support and I would have realised the life I had ahead of me.

I still don't even know why I did it. It just felt right. I wanted to stop but I couldn't, I loved the pain.