Don't Do It

It's not for attention

It's not for attention, I bet you didn't even know I was doing it. I need help.

Before I start this you need to understand why people do it and how they feel. This is not a joke because this effects a seventh of people and not all of them are lucky enough to get help. This is my story of how it felt to self harm and things that made me worse.

Every morning and night I would get a broken pen out of my draw where I hid it away from everyone. Then I would put music on to stop my cries from being heard and started cutting myself violently on my upper arm, I don't know why I did it but I just felt better after it.

Little things that were said about me as jokes or that weren't nice I would want to cut and I couldn't wait to get home to do it. Also being on my own and not having anything to do would make me feel like I wanted to cut.

I cut on my upper arm so nobody would see it or question me over any cuts. I would listen to music that would make me feel depressed like songs that reminded me of how I felt and that I could relate to.

In p.e and going down stairs, in my house, to get a shower I would cover my cuts with the materials I had with me like my shirt and towel. I did this for around a month, I started with a ruler in my Spanish class then carried that on. I realised my cuts weren't deep so when my pen ran out I broke it using my chair and made shards of plastic.

Every night I would be cutting cuts and make my arm bleed. I felt like the physical pain was making the emotional pain disappear. I would cry but smile at the same time because it gave me a natural high. I eventually started writing words with a highlighter on my arm such as die and cut as a template to cut down.

One day I started to do research about self harm to see what it was and why I was doing it. I found out that alot of people my age were self harming but when I saw people did it for attention it made me feel sick. I felt like this because I knew how it felt to hide it in and it's no reason to get attention from.

A few days later I had finished my presentation I made for my research and was about to staple it together when someone looked at it and said " flicking yourself with a band is not self harm, it's a coping mechanism." I tried to explain that you were still inflicting harm on yourself by doing it. "Trust me i know" he said and showed me cuts on his arms. This was it my worst nightmare. I felt really uncomfortable and ran home trying not to cry.

That night it was tough. Really tough. I started cutting down the template asking myself why people do it for attention. I looked at my arm and thought enough was enough. I had to get help so I decided to do that the next day.

The next day came and I felt pretty nervous going to tell someone what I had been doing. My arm was really really hurting and it was time to get this all sorted out.

As I was walking to tell someone I saw him. The thoughts of cutting myself started to come back and I decided to sort this out my own way. I turned away from the light at the end of the tunnel and walke back into the uncertainty of the dark.

It's not for attention, I bet you didn't even know I was doing it. I need help.