What's My Name?

Penis and Fib

"Are you gonna kill me? Because I'm not worth killing. You won't even get recognition for it, man. I'm black!"

Desmond stopped and cocked his head to the side.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not going to kill you, Victoria." He started to smile. Not a good sign. " You're one of the sweetest girls he's cheated on me with. I actually kinda like you."

Will this nigga make up his mind? I really have no idea what's going on in his head.

"So what are you gonna do?" I hear a tremble in my voice, but I make myself as poised as possible. Couldn't let him see the fear. "Nothing too white, I hope."

"Oh no, dear. I'm just gonna ruin his whole life, starting with the picture I took of you while you were sleeping. Then I'm gonna tell his wife about all this. And in the end, all he'll have to come back to...is me."

Desmond smiled almost evilly, but my face was twisted and confused.

"You really do think your dumbass is clever, don't you?" I push past him, not afraid anymore. "This is how you dumb white folks get caught up. Didn't you ever watch Penis and Fib?"

"You mean Phineas and Ferb?"

"Nigga, whatever. Dr. Doofenshmirtz would always explain his plans, and then Perry the Pussybitch-"

"Platypus, Victoria."

"What the fuck is that? Sounds fake."

Desmond squints his eyes at me. "And a Pussybitch sounds real?"

"Well yeah. I'm looking at one right now. Anyway, Desmond, back to what I was saying. Perry the Platypus would foil his plans, only because this dude would make it a point to explain and lay his entire plan out for him." I go to unlock the door, but Desmond's hand pulls my arm back. "What? When I open this door, you two are gonna figure this shit out, like adults."

"Are you comparing me to Dr. Doofensmirtz because I have a long nose?"

He really does sound concerned. Maybe my whole metaphor when over his head. I thought it would at least brush his hair.

I shake my head and open the door. Pimmit's nose is bleeding profusely, but his eyes were trained on the door, the gun Desmond arrived with earlier in his hand.

"What did you do to her?!" He turned to me, pulling me away from Desmond. "Are you okay? Did he put his hands on you?"

"No, look I'm fine. I can handle my own. What matters now is cleaning you up, and you two are gonna sit down and have a conversation. Because lord knows if any of your future relationships are gonna work out you'll need to learn the communication skill."

After cleaning Pimmits face up and cleaning up the hotel room, we were back in the position we started in. Desmond was on the couch and I was seated on Pimmit's lap.

I promise I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to be somewhat of a barrier between the two.

After about an hour of their senseless talking, I had moved back into the bedroom. It was no doubt Late As Fuck o'clock, and we were going to have to be back on the road tomorrow. Almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was gone, which was pretty damn rare.

***

"Victoria...hey wake up. We're leaving early." Pimmit softly shook me awake, his body lying next to mine.

Had he been asleep yet?

"Okay..." I open my eyes to see that Pimmit was in his standard white guy apparel, and so was Desmond."Why are you guys dressed like that? You look so... caucasian."

"Words hurt, Victoria," Desmond says, a smile spreading across his face.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye and giggle lightly. Somebody was feeling a little friendlier.

"So I'm guessing you two have made up and have gotten yourselves together?" I sit up and stretch, a mix between a bear and a pornstar erupting from my throat.

"No. Rudy's still on thin ice. But we have decided on one thing."

My eyes slowly make their way over to Pimmit, his face twitching trying to hold back a smile.

"And that is?" I slide out of the bed and make my way to the shower. They follow behind me, their smiles stretching from ear to ear.

They crazy for real.

"We're gonna adopt a baby!"

What?!