Ghost Of You // A.I

I Don't Know / 10th December 2018

A/N: Shout out to @7greenbeans for giving me this idea. This is some sad shit. I actually find this the saddest part of the whole story, for some reason. I'm also the most proud of the actual writing in this part. Have fun.

//

"So I've been thinking..."

My back is pressed against Ashton's legs as I sit on the floor, him on the couch. His fingers tousle with my hair as I crane my neck to look up at him.

"Watching Michael and Crystal has made me think...now that the tour is over and we've got some time to ourselves...that maybe we could try again?"

I knew this conversation was coming, and I dreaded it.

"You mean try for a baby"

"Yeah...the time wasn't right last year but now...Maya, I want to start a family with you. Those few days we had together before the abortion...as hard as they were, I was happy. Really happy, and I don't understand how I could possibly have felt happy then...but I did. Because nothing makes me happier than the idea of having a child with you. Of our child."

I let out a ragged breath. I know I have to tell him, but I wait a few extra seconds before I speak, trying desperately to postpone saying the words I know will break him.

"Ash, I don't want to have a baby"

His face falls. I rise and sit down next to him on the couch, and feel a ridiculous urge to laugh.

Here we are again. Sitting on the couch having a conversation that breaks both our hearts.

"What?"

"Look...watching Michael and Crystal has made me think a lot about this too. And...I wanted to keep that baby, of course I did, and if the time was right then I'd be eight months pregnant right now. If the time was right I would have kept that baby because-god, I don't know how to say this..."

"You instinctively loved that baby, and if you had a choice you would have kept it, not because you wanted to be a mother but because you are biologically...biologically required to love it-god I don't know how to say it either but I get it, Maya. You don't want kids"

His eyes are dark and stormy, and so full of sadness. His last words had a note of harshness but when he speaks again his voice is small and wavering.

"Emmie, are you ever going to want kids?"

I let out a small, shaky breath.

"I don't know."

He looks away, and I know what we're both thinking.

"You wants kids, Ash, and I can't give them to you."

"Maya, I could say that it's okay, and that I'll sacrifice that for you but...but I don't know if I can do that"

I feel very cold, and very hot at the same time.

"We can wait a little longer, wait and see if I start to want it. Maybe in a little while-"

"But what if you don't, Maya? Ever? What if we wait a few more months, a few more years and you don't all of a sudden want kids? I-I can't see my future without children in it. I've always wanted that, and now that Michael...Maya now it's possible for me and I don't want to wait!"

I know it's not okay for me to be angry, that this doesn't warrant my anger, but the sadness and fear that are growing inside me have manifested into something ugly, which rears it head as I speak, even through a desperate voice in my head tells it to stand down.

"What, so you're going to break up with me? And-and go find another girl who's willing to have your child?"

"I don't know, Maya! I have no fucking idea what to do, but I'll be honest...I'm not sure if this can work if you don't want kids!"

"Should we end it then? Break up now and spare the pain of giving it some time or-or sleeping on it and thinking about it in the morning?"

"Is that what you want, Maya?"

"No, of course it's not what I want! Jesus Christ, Irwin, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my damn life with you but-"

The anger dissipates as fast as it came, and I'm left feeling hollow as the truth sinks in.

"-but you deserve to be happy. And for you happiness means being a father. And I can't give that to you. I can't give you happiness."

His anger is gone now too, his rage sparked by mine and evaporating as soon as it loses it's fuel.

"I feel like we are doing this too quickly, like we need to think about this more"

"Thinking about it isn't going to change anything, Ash. You want kids, I don't."

"But I don't want to lose you"

His eyes are brimming with tears now, but mine remain dry. This doesn't feel real, and I'm so numb I can't seem to conjure up any emotion.

"You have to choose"

My voice is barely a whisper.

"You have to choose...me or kids. I'm so sorry, Ash, I really really am. Please know that I'm sorry"

A tear runs down his cheek.

"I'll...I'll think, for a little while."

His legs shake as he rises, heading for the bedroom. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight.

I sink forwards, burying my face in my hands. I'm loosing him, I know I'm loosing him, but it still doesn't quite feel real because we've been here before. I've pushed him away, but this time it's different. We're loosing each other for a reason far more palpable than my own self loathing.

This time, I don't think we'll find each other again, on a hill under the stars.