Ghost Of You // A.I

I Know / 10th June 2018

My nails dig into the palms of my hands as I try to stop their shaking. The timer has been going off on my phone for a while now, but I don't look up from my trembling because I'm too scared to see what's on the tile next to me.

I slowly unfurl my hands to see purpling half moons on my palms. The trembling is slowly ceasing as my breathing slows, and I know I can't postpone it any longer.

My whole body feels like lead as I turn to see that tiny plus sign screaming at me from the cold bathroom floor.

Tears come hot and fast, but I'm not really aware of them until they drip onto the ground, and now I'm really shaking, my whole body shuddering as I struggle to pick up the pregnancy test.

I'm not sure how long I stayed on the floor, but my reverie is broken at about six o'clock when I hear the door open downstairs. The reality of what I have to do next makes me feel sick, and I stagger to my feet for what must be the first time in hours to splash water on my face. The face in the mirror doesn't look like me. Bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks, my hair slipping free of its bun and sticking to my forehead. I don't know why I'm bothering to try clean myself up.

He'll know something is wrong as soon as he sees me.

With the test clenched tightly in my hand, I leave the bathroom and force my bare feet to take me downstairs.

He's standing in the kitchen, putting his keys on the counter and kicking his shoes off. Words form on his lips then fall away as he turns and looks at me. I'm rooted to the spot, one hand wrapped around the test and the other clenching the fabric of my shirt. He moves swiftly across the room and puts his hand on my shoulder, mouth forming my name as I lift the test and press it to his chest.

One hand comes away from my shoulder as he takes the thing from my hand. I can't look at him, can't bear to see his face but I know the moment he's realised what it is because the test slides from his grip and hits my feet.

I can't bear to look up, terrified to see what his face holds. We stand their for far to long, and the silence makes me want to scream, until finally I can't take it anymore and I need to say something, anything, because I feel like I'm suffocating.

"Ash..."

He pulls me against him hard, wrapping his arms around me. The breath I didn't realise I was holding leaves me, a jagged sigh as I arch my neck to look up at him.

His lips are pulled tight, and his eyes are full of tears that he's determined not to let spill.

"We're going to be ok, Maya"

He sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than me.

I thought I'd be crying now, as a mulled this conversation over in my head on the bathroom floor, but my eyes are dry. I'm too drained to even bring forth tears.

Ashton pulls away from me, taking my hand and pulling me to the couch. His legs give out just as we reach it and he sinks into the cushions, pulling me down with him. I sit cross legged across from him, our hands interlaced.

"You're pregnant"

His voice sounds so small. I nod, and his grip on my hands tightens.

"How long have you known?"

"I took a test a little before you came home"

Whether it was minutes or hours before he got back from the studio I have no idea. For all I know I was on that bathroom floor for days.

"God, Maya"

I know what happens now, but I don't think I can be the one to say it, the lump in my throat is too big.

"We can't keep it, Maya"

I know. I've known since the moment I started feeling sick in the morning, since the moment I walked into the store to buy that test, since the moment I saw that pink plus sign on our bathroom floor. And even though I already know it, it only feels real when I hear him say it and just like that I break, even though I thought I didn't have any tears left to cry.

My lip trembles and I burst into tears.

"I know..."

My head is buried in the crook of his neck, and I can feel his tears dripping onto the top of my head.