Ghost Of You // A.I

Zoe / July 27th 2019

"Mikey, she's so beautiful."

Zoe Clifford-Leigh squirmed happily in my arms, and Michael grinned at me from his vantage point on the armchair opposite me. He looked tired and happier than I had ever seen him. I felt happy too, for the first time in months. If I focused on Zoe's tiny face, I could block out the sound of Ashton laughing with Calum and Luke in the kitchen.

Michael had told me to just come over tomorrow to meet Zoe, so I wouldn't have to see Ashton for the first time in seven months, but I brushed him off, saying we were both mature adults who could handle being in the same room together. It wasn't like we parted on bad terms. 

It just hurts to see him. His hair was longer, and there was a new tattoo on his forearm. Seeing it brought memories of late nights after sex, fingers tracing the ink on his skin and telling him which my favourite was. I could trace the tattoos in the dark because I knew exactly where each one was.

Not any more. I imagine there's a lot I don't know about him now. I don't know what he had for breakfast this morning, I don't know what music he's liking lately, what shows he's watching. I don't know if he's writing new music, or when he last visited his family.

I don't know if he's found someone who can give him what I can't.

Around Christmas, I'd felt hopeful for new beginnings, for another go, that maybe we could try again and do it differently this time. But as months passed and I didn't see him, the spark of hope began to flicker and die as I realised I'd been kidding myself. Each month pushed us further apart, and now as we saw eachothe for the first time in so long, it felt like a wall of ice separated us. 

I'm pulled from my thoughts as Zoe lets out a wail. Crystal appears by my side, scooping up her day old daughter and saying something about her needing a feed. I sit and watch as Michael rises to stand next to her, one hand on her waist and the other stroking his daughter's cheek until her cries subside.

My chest clenches and I stand up abruptly.

"Guys, I'm going to head off. It was so good seeing you, and meeting her."

A vague look of concern crosses Michael's face as I cross over to him, pressing a kiss to the forehead of a placated Zoe, who is passed between her parents so I can give each of them a hug.

"Seriously, Mikey, I'm fine, I've got work to do"

He smiles wryly as I shout goodbyes to the others and head for the door. I'm walking towards my car when I hear him behind me.

"Maya!"

Ashton jogs out of the house after me, coming to a stop as I turn to face him and clasping his hands awkwardly. Just seeing his face alights that hopeful spark inside me, but I push it down. Don't get your hopes up.

"Sorry, I know this is-I just didn't want to not talk to you."

"Do you have anything, in particular, you want to say?"

My words come out harsher than I intended and I want to take them back. I'm on edge, terrified of being too vulnerable and allowing myself to get hurt. I know I'm being unfair, that the ice in my voice hurts him, but I'm too scared to let my guard down. 

"You look good, Maya...god, no that sounded creepy-but you do-I mean..."

"You sound like you did the first time you came up to me at that party"

I want to take that back too. God, I really want to take that back. I feel like kicking myself as I watch his face go from flustered, to unreadable, to sad.

"How did we get here, Maya?"

That hurts, because he just voiced exactly what I'm thinking. I feel like I'm talking to a stranger, not the man I've loved for three years. Not the man who knows me better than anyone else in the world.

"This feels fucking awful" I murmur. One question burns in my brain, and all though everything tells me not to ask it, I figure I've already said enough stupid things in the past few minutes, and one more probably won't hurt.

"Are you seeing anyone else?"

He looks crestfallen, and I think he might be wondering the same thing. He steps a little closer to me, and I'm glad. The metre between us felt wrong, and since everything else right now feels so wrong I need that one little thing to be made right.

"No. I tried...kind of. I mean, I talked to people at parties but...it's hard not to see your face."

He's not even trying to hide anything now, and his complete vulnerability drives me to do the same.

"I'm not seeing anyone either. I haven't been with anyone since you. I know what you mean by it being hard not to see my face."

I feel like our brains are working in sync because now that the idea of new lovers is gone, I feel another elephant in the room rearing its head.

Zoe.

The sight of me, holding a baby. The one thing he wants more than anything.

Me with a baby. Our baby.

One of us will voice it, soon enough. One of us will break this deafening silence, and Ashton beats me to it, blurting out what I already know.

"I liked seeing you with Zoe."

"I thought you might"

"Did you-did you like being with her? Holding her?"

"Are you asking if some motherly instinct kicked in because I was holding a newborn?"

He blushes, and at that moment I badly want to kiss him.

"Yeah...I guess I am. You asked me if I was going to find someone who wanted to have kids with me, and after we broke up I think I tried to convince myself that I was going to do that. That by some miracle I would have what I had with you."

He comes a little closer.

"But I know now that I was stupid for thinking that, because they only person who can make me as happy as you did...is you."

I close the gap between us and take his hands in mine. His touch, for the first time in what feels like a million years, send shockwaves and then a great feeling of relief coursing through my body. I missed him. God, I missed him.

"I tried living without you, Emmie, and it didn't work. I hated every damn second of it"

"Yeah, well being without you was pretty shit too"

He grins, a proper grin that crinkles the corners of his eyes. I want nothing more than to take his face in mine and kiss him, make up for all the lost time and ignore the fact that kissing him won't make our problems go away. But I can feel something, a tiny feeling slowly beginning to grow in the depths of my brain, and maybe its just his hands in mine, or the fact that I can smell his cologne, but I decide to say a few more potentially stupid things.

"You know, my grandma raised me to be a feminist, and to not change my opinions for a man."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll admit, I can feel something changing, but want to be really sure that my feelings are changing for the right reasons. That I'm not changing how I feel because I want you back"

"I feel like I'm going to like where this is going."

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Ash. All I'm saying is that-that holding Zoe did make me feel something. Just a little something, but it was there."

"You wanted a Zoe."

His grin widens as I begin to smile.

"I kind of wanted a Zoe."

He kisses me, and in the moment we collide I understand what they mean when they talk about fireworks going of. Every atom of my body lights up, sparking with electricity as my hand tangle in his hair and in the fabric of his shirt. As our bodies press together and he whispers I love you into our kiss, I feel that hollow feeling that has been so dominant since we drifted apart slowly begin to dissipate. The tiny spark of hope in my chest grows into a fire, and roars inside me as we touch. 

I feel like maybe, just maybe, we might have found each other again.