Weightless

10) Repeated Past

Sometime 2001

I hate today. That seems an odd thing to say when life is usually good - perfect, even. But then Dad had to leave, just yesterday, and ruin everything. I can't stand it. I especially can't stand him.

Today is a bad day, possibly worse than yesterday. He made both bad. I can sense it getting even worse, right in my bones.

Ethan, my younger brother, jerks me out of my mind by coughing. I look at him and he is mirroring my expression. He looks just as I feel - despairing. Perhaps he senses it too. The calm before the storm.

I can still see the redness in Mum's eyes. It's always there but it shouldn't be. It never used to be. And the purple shadows under my younger brother's eyes and the creases of worry across his forehead shouldn't be there either. He's fourteen, for goodness sake. And when I was looking in the mirror this morning, my complexion was pale and I was breaking out in spots. It's the stress, apparently. I guess Dad leaving made my skin flare up as well as our life as we know it crumble. Low life bastard.

In other news, our Aunt from Yorkshire, Lily Hardy, has been round all day. I invited her. I hoped that her company would brighten Mum up a little and stop her from watching morning telly with that blank face of hers and heavy sighs.

Aunt Lily has tried, but she has to leave eventually. I'll really miss her. She can do a wicked meerkat expression and even myself of sixteen years can appreciate it. But it's over now. She needs to go home.

We're all standing in the kitchen, minus Mum who is sitting, when Aunt Lily readies herself to leave. She picks up her handbag from the sunflower printed tablecloth and picks a tea towel up from the tiled floor. It's no use trying to clean the place, it's a state. Nobody has had the motivation to do it. Not even neat freak Ethan.

Aunt Lily coughs to draw attention to herself but Mum doesn't take any notice. "Right, I'd better be off."

Again, no response. It's as though Mum hasn't heard and this is hardly a rare occurrence. Aunt Lily turns to my brother and I.

"I'll see you another time, Caleb," she says and leans in to press a kiss on my cheek. She gives me a look of sympathy, purses her lips and mutters 'take care of Mum'. I nod.

Aunt Lily gives Ethan the same treatment, just leaving out the last muttering part and instead passing him five pound for us to share at the sweet shop. He smiles gratefully. I realize that's the first time I've seen him express genuine joy for these last two days, following Dad's walking out. Bless him.

In actual fact, Ethan misses Dad more than I do. They actually enjoyed eachothers company. I couldn't and still can't stand the bloke. He infuriates me. I put it down to teenage angst before it happened, but I always had a bad feeling that his lothario side, obsessed with his job and weight, would be his downfall. Spoiler alert: It was.

Now he's gone. All I can say is 'good fucking riddance' to him. He's no Dad to me anymore.

I sigh heavily again and stare at Mum, as Ethan and Aunt Lily do. Mum just gazes into the distance, as usual, but holds out the house keys.

"Take care, Matilda," my Aunt Lily says, taking the keys and advancing to let herself out of the house. Mum hasn't bothered to move from her usual perch.

"Bye," Mum says blankly.

Aunt Lily smiles weakly. She tuts - in good humor - at the junk food wrappers on the table, from myself and Ethan. But she must think they're belonging to Mum. She heads to the hallway after one last sad smile to my little brother and I.