Weightless

31) Run or Die

(Same day) 5th July 2017

Ethan knows that this is the worst possible thing to do, but he hates Cal so much right now that he'd light the flat on fire just to watch Cal's face as it burns.

He ought to be home. He needs to be, because tomorrow is a day which he can't miss in fear of a possible section. Go willingly, or go anyway. Ethan wants to go with his head held high but additionally, he doesn't want anyone to see his tears.

Nevertheless, this is a horrendous idea, and it's not even a plan. Just go home, a part of him says. And a bigger, more glaring part of him, hisses to never go home again.

And they won't stop arguing - the thoughts, that is. One thought will begin, another one will cut in the middle of it, until they're all too loud. A huge chorus of opposing beliefs and ideas. They're pushing him off of the edge. They're making him feel crazy. Everything is too loud, far too loud. Like when your hearing is muffled and then returns to normal, the sudden change is shocking. Too much too soon. Ethan can't bear it.

So maybe it's time to make it all stop.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Calling his ex-girlfriend might be... awkward, but Cal knows it's the only place Ethan will go.

She picks up on the first ring. "Hello?"

"Hi. Cal here." Cal here, wow, original, where are we, some two-star rating film with more cliches in it than female characters? "I hope you don't mind me calling. I was wondering if Ethan had stopped by."

"It's fine, and no. Everything alright?"

Cal could explain everything. Instead, he drums his fingers along the kitchen counter and nods his head to nobody. "It's fine. Don't worry about it. Speak to you later."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

There's a song stuck in his head.

Something about thinking on the sadder parts of living. Mourning something; someone, a place, a feeling, it's open to interpretation, Ethan supposes. A gentle guitar strumming pattern in the background. About love being suffering, that the world turns, and autumn leaves, and Ethan realizes he's remembering the lyrics backwards.

One lyric sticks. I can see where the chapter ends.

Maybe it ends this way.

Because right now, he is the worst kind of alive.

Ethan stands up high. Behind him, cars pass, and his front is pressed against a barrier, where below him, the dual carriageway is filled with more cars, vans, lorries... Fast and strong. Relentless and unforgiving. They roll over the tarmac, crushing rocks and leaving marks. He wants to turn around walk in traffic. He wants to topple over the edge into the lines of cars below. He wants this to be over; the hostility which brings the arguments and the sadness and the loneliness and the fear that he might never be happy again.

He could do it. Right now. Just step into traffic and call it quits. Push the weak metal barrier and fall. You did your best, but the game is over. You lost! The monsters won. Retry? No. No retry. I'm damn sick of this game.

Ethan shakes his head. No, come on. Time has gone past this. Back at the park, he was contemplating this, and he fought the urge. He won't do it now. He. Is. Past. This.

You were never past this. You can't silence me.

Ethan's fingers tighten around the barrier. He doesn't want to die.