Poems and Stories

The Monster Within

How do you describe what you are feeling when you can't find the words?
When you are feeling such an awful mix of emotions, and you don't know what to say
What do you do?
Maybe you don't say anything at all
Locked in your own mind
Unable to escape
It is like there is an unseen barrier that you can't break through
And part of you doesn't want to break through it
Part of you feels safe behind the barrier
Because then no one can see you
They can't see your pain
They don't see you at all
You become a ghost
And you don't know how you feel about that either
Maybe you deserve it
Maybe you deserve a life alone and hidden
At least you will be safe from being hurt again
So what do you do, locked inside your mind?
Do you think?
Do you remember?
Do you see your memories playing over and over, but are unable to stop it?
Do you want to scream, and shout, and fight?
Do you want to fight against the memories that torment you?
Maybe in your mind you are holding yourself tightly, trying to protect yourself
But no matter how hard you try, you can never truly protect yourself
Somehow you keep getting hurt, no matter how hard you try
So you try to get better, you get better at hiding
You retreat further and further into yourself
You've been hurt for the last time, you decide
You will never let anyone in again
And you think you've accepted it, you tell yourself you're ok with it
But in reality, you feel so lonely
You just want a friend
But how do you let anyone in? How do you drop the barriers you've made so strong?
You feel like you don't deserve it
This is what you deserve
But you are tormented
You are trapped in your mind with your demons
Demons who are oh so good at what they do
You try not to feel it
You try to ignore everything
But then you meet someone
And you don't trust them
You feel like they will just hurt you, like all the others
But over time they prove themselves
They prove themselves to be trustworthy
You want to trust them
You want to drop the barriers for them
But how?
And at the same time, you are scared
You are afraid to drop the barriers that have kept you safe for so long
But for this person, you want to
So you start lowering the barriers, taking it apart brick by brick
And as you do the person stands by you
You tell them about your demons
They're so incredibly patient
And kind
And caring
But you are scared
You are scared to hurt them, or lose them
What if you chase them away?
You can't handle losing them
But over time you realize they aren't going to leave
They are going to stand by your side
You can trust them
So you tell them your darkest secrets
And you think you've finally done it again, and lost them
But to your surprise they stick around
They love you even more and stay with you
They do the impossible
You think everything will be fine after that
The barriers are down
But then a new pain comes
It's one you never expected
You thought the hardest thing was telling your secrets
What you didn't realize is once your secrets were out, you couldn't pull them back in
Now they haunt you
You thought they haunted you before, in the back of your mind
But now they are right in front of you, staring you in the face
You try to shut them out, but you can't
You've unleashed something that can't be tamed
It is a monster
Baring its teeth
It refuses to go back into its cage
It decides it has been hidden for too long
And it decides to haunt you
Snarling at you, growling at you
Gnashing its teeth
You want to close your eyes, cover your ears, and scream
But still, it does not leave
It laughs at you
You begin to wonder if letting your barriers down was right
You see that person who has stood by you, and they want to help
But you are hidden inside your mind again, unable to ask for help
Maybe if you could find a way to let them in, they could help
But you are afraid
You are afraid of the monster
For what if the monster gets them too?
You want to build your barriers up again
Maybe they won't be hurt if you do
You feel like they are miles away, shouting, trying to help
But you are ultimately alone with the monster staring in your face
It demands to be heard
You don't know how to let them in
You want to
But you can't
You can't risk hurting them
It has happened before
And it will happen again
You deserve this, they do not
You hide your tears
And you hide your pain
You hide
You are trapped again
Unable to speak
Unable to cry for help
You hope that they can find some way to break through, but you don't think they can
So you sit there, trapped, with the monster that demands to be heard
You don't want to hear it
You know that once you hear it, you won't be able to un-hear it
But if you hear it maybe the monster will go away
Or maybe it will laugh at you
You want to call for help, but you just can't
You don't know what to do
You reach out, but you're afraid you've lost them
You're afraid you've hurt them
Just like you've hurt everyone else
You're afraid that by being trapped in your mind they will think less of you
You're afraid they'll realize something is truly wrong with you
You're afraid they will do the right thing and leave, and take care of themselves
It's selfish, but you don't want them to leave
You want them to stay and help with the monster
It's selfish, but you don't have the strength to do the right thing and push them away
You don't want to push them away
You want them to stay close
You're trapped
Spiraling
Spinning
Falling
You feel like you'll never be free
You don't know how to ask for help
So you continue like nothing is happening
And you write
Because sometimes writing it all down is easier than speaking
And maybe, just maybe, you can begin to make sense of things
And maybe you will one day learn how to escape the prison you've created in your mind
You hope you will, but you aren't sure if you can
But maybe
Maybe you will learn how to ask for help
And maybe you will escape