Poems and Stories

Sometimes I Scare Myself

Sometimes I scare myself

With how easily I can slip in and out of a role

Sometimes I scare myself

When I am in front of a person I hate

But so easily convince them I have nothing but admiration for them

Sometimes I wonder

What is real

What is a lie

And who am I?

I hate how easily I smile when I want to cry

People praise me for how steady and calm I am when everything is crashing down

But that is only on the outside

On the inside I'm a wreck

On the inside I'm falling apart

On the inside I'm begging for help

Sometimes I scare myself

Slipping into so many roles

A different personality for every person

It started out as a survival mechanism

A way to keep from being hurt

A way to keep people from knowing

But now, with the person causing that need gone from my life

I am left with survival mechanisms

Mechanisms that once kept me alive, but now hold me back

They are vestigial organs

Remnants of the past

Once needed, but have long been unnecessary

They will stick with me throughout my life

And that simple thought terrifies me

Sometimes I scare myself

When, no matter how hard I try, I simply can't be my true self

The instinct is too strong

Impossible to fight

Sometimes I scare myself

When I finally stop morphing into someone else

Who will I be?

What if I am just a shell?

What if there is nothing left?

I think I have made progress

I think I have moved forward

But then I morph in front of someone I am not comfortable with

Becoming someone else

Someone that is not me

It's as easy as breathing

And it scares me

Do people like me for me

Or do they like me for who I am when I'm around them?

I hope one day I will break free

Once and for all, Me

Not "The Perfect Daughter"

Not "The Strong Young Lady"

Not "The Shy, Quiet Girl"

But simply Me

Inside I am loud

I am outspoken

There is a fire in me that cannot be put out

A warrior inside that wants to be released

Pieces of me are reappearing

And with each one, a little hope appears with it

But then I morph again and scare myself

I wonder if it will ever go away

Or if it will always be with me

It is like I'm a mirror

Reflecting what people want to see

I am trapped

Not by someone else

Instead

I've unintentionally created my own prison

It's a habit I fear I'll never break

I don't always realize I'm doing it

And I hate myself when I do

I try to stay strong and resist the urge to morph

But it happens time and time again

I want to be myself

Who I know I am inside

And maybe one day I'll get there

But when I do

How much will I have lost?

----------------------------------------------

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. My mom had surgery and between taking care of her and everything else I've been too tired to try and write. 

Thanks for understanding, I hope you enjoyed this one. Posts for this book should become more regular, but I've been struggling with my other book and what to do with it so I'm not sure when that will have an update.