Tales For The Broken

I'm sorry

I came out to my parents.
And they told me they won't use my correct pronouns.
And to tell no one I'm pan or gender fluid.
Not even my sister.
There not Christian.
My family is not religious at all.
They are just embarrassed of me.
They told me they think I'm confused.
And to not label myself as pan.
My parents told me this in the car.
And when we got home they acted like nothing happened.
But I will never forget.
I will remember that moment forever.
I gave my parents a note explaining it all.
And when I asked if it was ok in front of my sister they both said it was fine. But when we were in the car I could tell they hated it.
I don't care if I break their rules.
I want to punch them in the face.
Because damn it they deserve it.
They could have pretend it was ok even if it was easy to tell they did not like it.
Then I would know at least they care enough about me to pretend.
And the worst is.
They asked me if it was ok.
If it was ok.
If it is ok to pretend to be straight.
If it is ok to pretend I'm a girl.
If I'm ok with my parents not being ok with it.
I was dying to say
"Are you Kidding me 'is that ok' No it's not ok this is a part of who I am fuck you"
But I said yes.
It's not ok though.
Why the hell would it be ok.
I almost cried in the car but I did not.
Because if I did I never would have stopped.
And they would have known.
I want to run away.
And not come back.
I think I might.
I can not stay with people who don't love me for who I am.
I can not stay in a place where they will constantly call me she and her.
I can not stand that.
It will break me.
More then I am.
More then it did before.
Because now they know I don't like it.
I need to leave.
To start again.
To forget my past.
To move in with a new family.
To go to a different school.
To have people never get to close.
Because I will just force my pain on them.
And break them.
I need to be left alone.
To not talk to my friends.
Because I will hurt them.
Because I need to think.
Because they don't care about my problems.
And if I dyed there lives would go on.
If I dyed it would have no effect on the world.
If I dyed they would not care.
If I dyed no one would care.
So
I'm sorry I'm not a girl or a boy.
I'm sorry I'm not straight.
I'm sorry I force my problems on you.
I'm sorry I'm an embarrassment.
I'm sorry I'm a disappointment.
I'm so sorry.
I will make things right.
Weather that means dying or not really living but still alive or just stop trying.
I'm not sure.
But it will be better.