Tales For The Broken

love

I'm in love. God, I love him so damn much. But he won't give the time of day he says he is always busy but he won't tell me what he's doing. We used to talk a lot. but the last time I had a real conversation with him was 20 days ago. I know he says he likes me but what if he does not. what if he actually hates me and does not want me to feel bad. I'm crying right now that's how much I love him. Without him I'm dead. I can lose him. I have friends but I need him. The last time he left, because we got in a big fight, I almost let go. and now that my parents don't love me for who I am. I can die. Actually, I can't die yet, I have not been kissed. after I get kissed I will not be afraid to die. Anyways back to him. He does everything right. He's pan. God, I can't even explain how much he means to me. he volunteers to hug me. he did the play with me last year and hopefully this year too. I love him so much when he breaks my heart it will break me. It's crazy how love can be the best thing in the world but also the thing that kills you. Without you, the weight of my life will come crashing down on me. I remember some times u mad me feel very happy by doing small thingd like making sure I put something important in my coming out letter, or telling me not to wear a chest binder to bed, asking what you can do to show me you like me, calling me bueatiful, dealing with my awkwardness, talking a little bit with me everynow and then even though ur busy, noticing I was looking for you in the lunch room and waving, talking to me, texting me the lyrics to a song, talking about random crap till 3 in the morning even though that only happened once, saying hi to me in the hall ways after thats what I told you you could do to show me u like me, smiling at me when you walk in the room, lstening to my noncence, helping me figurue out what chest binder would be the best by asking a friend for me granted I asked you to do that, being there when I had no idea what to do for the auditions for the play, staying in the play, trying to be there for me when we had got in a fight, understand that we both fucked up, pushing me in the hall way with your notebook and I turned around and you read my mind and said "cause I can", flexing your arms when I had to use you as a balance, making sure I know that your asexual, and for trying. I love him. I want to tell him but what if he does not feel the same? Help! should I tell him how I feel? I want to ask my friends but I already vent to them too much (btw sorry about that).

I want to snuggle up facing each other in a tangled mess of limbs but in a comfy way. Under a fluffy pastel green blanket him in red, black and white flannel pajama pants and his shirt that's white on the chest and black on the sleeves and me in black joggers and a v-neck black t-shirt on a bed with a wood headboard across from a brick old fashion fireplace talking while dying in LA by Panic! At The Disco on repeat in the back round, and when the night comes I want him to kiss me passionately on the lips and right before I fall asleep he would kiss me softly on the forehead and I would sleep on his shoulder him on my head.

Wouldn't that be such an amazing aesthetic? Yes, it would. You don even know how much I want him and for that to happen.

So we texted for a little while like 30 minutes and more towards the end he askes what my favorite part of the day was and I said talking to him and he said his favorite part of the day was and he said seeing someone he likes. It's not me. I got really depressed and thought about giving up because he is my only reason to live right now. Yes my friends are amazing and I love them they are so great but I need someone more than a friend. I am happy he told me but it would help if I knew who they were. Then I would know what I have to beat and if I can even beat them. then like 5 mins later he said responding to are they nice "yes but ur still fucking amazing" so I did not give up. then he asks if I have facetime I do so I say yes and my number was not working because I don't have facetime set up for calling I use an email. He was out with a friend on a hoverboard and I was just at home in a bed so I felt really boring. Then I was outside and like a bit less than an hour later and as I was walking in he said bye randomly and hung up. The point is that he wanted to see me. He asked if I had facetime so we could talk almost face to face. But he also likes someone else.
He came to the football game with me. I picked him up at his house and brought him home. To his house. We basically were insuperable except for when I walked around to look for friends but then I realized he's my only friend. So I came back. After halftime, he gave me his sweatshirt and he wore my flannel and flower crown. It was amazing. Then everyone kept calling me she/her so I had a breakdown and started crying he took me away from everyone and I basically just vented to him next to the football field where no one could see us for like a half an hour. But he told me he did not care. At one point I was talking about my parents and I screamed fuck you mum fuck you dad and he was like you needed to say that didn't you and I was like yes. It felt great. All night I wanted to kiss him or hold his hand but I did not. There was this fight going on between the people me and him were hanging out with and some like 3ed graders and they called someone mean things and punched them. The person I came with got really pissed and started to run away and he said "I'm going to kick some ass" I tried to grab him and he stopped looked at me angrily and I looked at him trying to say stop and he shook my arm off but not in a bad way and just walked away. Then later he told me that he was sorry and that he just did not want anyone hurting his friends. He never hurt anyone we just got the kids kicked off of the football team. Then towards the end of the night, I gave him back his sweatshirt cause he told me he felt uncomfortable wearing my flannel I think it was because we were leaving to go meet up with my parents. Then we ran into the middle of the football field after no players were on it to see someone we knew and my sister came and got us cause we needed to leave. His friends were cool they treated me like I was part of their group and I kind of want to hang out with them more often.

Have you ever loved someone so much it physically hurts? 

That's where I am right now. Every time I talk to him I get nervous and worried I'm going to say something wrong or I will move a certain way that he does not like. I know he does not care. I don't get that with the people I used to like or my friends just him.

I am going to a football game this Friday or tomorrow with my some of my best friends, they are twins I would put a link in here but it's being weird their usernames are kayamiisawesome and phantrash46918, and him. I have a feeling he might leave my friends for his and I will have to chose which one I will go with I really hope that does not happen. I want the twins to get along with his friends I know he gets along with the twins because they ride the same bus. I want to wear his sweatshirt again but that might have been a one-time thing I also do not want to jinx myself or get my hopes up but that would be nice. I will make a chapter on the football game over the weekend. I am going to go work on an actural short story so bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you all! <3