Desperation

What Is It Like?

What is it like?
Not being anxious.
The shaking feeling across my bones
Coming to school wishing I could call it home
But its not
Its really not
Its not home
I wouldn't call it that.

I care too much
Because little do they know, I know what its like to be alone
At home
When I'm not at school

It just all hurts too much
my intention is to not get attention but I can't help but want somebody to simply care
I yearn somebody to care
I don't want anybody to care
I want somebody to care

I an losing reasons to get up each morning,
I am losing reasons to talk to people,
I am losing reasons to go outside,
I am losing reasons to eat food,
I am losing reasons to try harder,
to give purpose to life I need a reason.

What is it like being told something that is meant to be correct but its not?
Doublethink.
I love you
I hate you
I miss you
I don't want you.

Trust issues.
And then you isolate yourself
so you'll never understand the truth
Do they love you?
Or do they hate you?
Its easier to say they hate you
It doesn't hurt so bad when its the truth.
Don't push me away!
Trust me!
I love you!
Its okay to cry!
Its okay to be sad!
I love you.
Don't push me away
Don't push me away
Don't push me away
My heart wants you to stay.
My mind says its not okay.

I want you
I want absolutely everything from you
I can't have you
I fear having you
I fear losing you
I fear losing everyone
Theres a difference between wanting and needing something
I don't want to be attached
I need to be attached

Now can't you see me?
I love feeling loved
But only hate seems to catch on
Please let me be
Please let me be
Please let me be
Anxiety comes to me

Leaving might be easier
Love ends up useless
I end up useless
I am haunted by humans
So tell me
What is it like
Not being me?

___By Destiny___