Shade (A Severus Snape Fanfiction)

|chapter seventeen|

I wasn't surprised when I opened my eyes to find we were standing outside of Severus' house Spinner's End. Severus lead me into his house, and it was obvious that no one had been there in quite a while. He removed his wand and silently started a fire before turning to finally face me.I hadn't even realized I was crying until he wiped a silent tear from my cheek. "Sit down and get warm. I'll make you a cup of tea," he said softly.

I nodded and did as I was told, sitting in the armchair next to the fireplace and watching the flames dance as my thoughts drifted back to what had just happened. I knew that moment would come eventually, but it wasn't supposed to be that easy. If I was a good person, I would have refused. I would have fought, even if it meant dying myself to protect an innocent person. I was selfish though, and deep down, I was as evil and vile as Voldemort himself. And I hated that. I hated the stupid fucking magic I was cursed with. I hated myself.

I didn't look away from the flames when I heard Severus approach. I didn't think I could look him in the eyes even if I tried. He wordlessly placed the teacup on the end table next to me before stepping directly in front of me and stooping down to try to meet my gaze. "Look at me, Kathryn," he coaxed, but I couldn't. I could only imagine the disgust and disappointment that would be in his eyes. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I looked down at my entwined fingers instead, but he placed a finger beneath my chin and gently lifted my head, surprising me when he placed a soft kiss against my trembling lips. He was.. kissing me?

I finally found the courage to actually look at him. "You did what you had to. If you wouldn't have done it, he would have killed you."

"Maybe that would have been best... I killed a man. I killed him. How am I supposed to live with that? What kind of person am I? What on earth makes me more important than him?"

"He was going to die either way, love. No matter what you chose, he wasn't walking out of there. And you are not a bad person, Kathryn. You are anything but.. Do you have any idea how brave you are? Or how strong? You might have been dealt a bad hand, and there may be dark magic inside of you, but despite everything life has thrown at you, you're still holding on. You're still you."

"Part of me.. enjoyed it, Severus. It sort of felt good to do it," I whispered, ashamed of myself. I was a monster.. I was monster, but Severus still leaned in and kissed me again.

"Yet here you are feeling remorseful. That means you haven't stopped fighting," he murmured against my lips. I choked back a sob. I wished I could just believe his words, that his touch and kisses were enough to pull me out of my misery, but they weren't.

Life wasn't a fairy tale, and in my life nothing would ever be that easy. There were no magical kisses that could fix what was wrong with me. At the end of the day, I was the villian of my own story. I was a wolf pretending to be a sheep. Why was I still bothering to pretend again? I didn't deserve to be loved and comforted by the man knelt before me. I didn't deserve anything.

I pulled away from Severus' embrace and went back to silently staring at the fireplace. At first he didn't move, and I could practically feel his eyes burning holes into me, but finally with a soft sigh, he rose to his feet and left the room.

Poor little, Kathryn. The voice in my head said, sending an icy shiver down my spine. I hadn't heard the voice in months, but now here it was taunting me again. I chose to simply ignore it, but it was persistent as always.

Aren't you tired of fighting this yet? It would be so easy to just give in. Aren't you tired of feeling so bad? We both know you don't really regret what happened. You think you should, but you don't.