30 days of me(Spoiler: it's not exactly 30 days straight...)

September 1, 2018

So today started off pretty great. Almost perfect. I woke up around 11? Then I just messed around on my phone texting my friends. Then my mom made lunch that was omelettes and spam. Which was great! My whole family(immediate) was there. My dad, my mom, my brother, and sister. I think even my grandpa was there.

Then I started doing my laundry and "cleaning" my sneakers for school. Inbetween loads I would listen to music and practice my violin. I was planning to play fortnite with my friends, mostly my best friend Marc who lives on my street after I finished. At 6:30 I got hungry so I made noodles and sausages. This was right when my grandma left for work.

I took the first load out of the washing machine and put the next load in. Then of course put that load into the dryer. After this I went to play fortnite like I planned. My sister and brother were with my mom and dad. Then my sister came in my room. My mom and I'm assuming my dad had gone to the store because she had come back with sweet tea to give me.

This was around 8:30.

Yes I am slow at doing laundry and right now it's 2am and I still haven't gotten the second load out... For reasons you will see later on.

After that I continued to play fortnite until 10:30. Marc had said he wanted to go to sleep and Cy just said he had to go. For the rest of the night I did research on how to make beats for a song and I even came up with a new song. My mom suggested me and my dad make beats together one day since he was a dj.

It was going to be our thing. One day when he was dropping me off to school he saw that I had installed fl studio the night before and he told me he used to use that, but the free version was too restricting and he was going to show me his program he used to use. He never did get to though.

Around 11:30 to 12 I heard my mom ran down the hall. I could tell by the sound of her footsteps. The house had been pretty quiet until then. I didn't know why she was running so I just continued what I was doing.

Then at 12 midnight. My Aunty had come home and went into her room. She was crying and was talking to someone so I decided to listen in. I heard some thing that creeped me out when I first heard it. It had made me confused and scared.

I could only hear pieces of what she said, but something along the lines of "she was doing cpr" and "he was hanging from the tree outside" and "she had to cut him down". My Aunty said she was scared for her sister and something about his wife and kids. At the time I assumed it was the tenants living at my house, but it didn't make sense so I wasn't sure. I had started texting Marc because I didn't know what else to do and I needed someone to talk to. He was there for me the whole time. She said more things like if he doesn't die he might be brain dead. That she didn't know how long he was there for.

She went outside and I continued to text Marc about my theory's. I heard the front door open again. Someone had come in crying profusely. I soon figured out it was my grandma. She spoke Ilocano and I didn't know exactly what she said, but I heard natayin which means something along the lines of someone died. So it became certain that someone had died and my mom nor anyone could save them. I kept hoping that it wasn't my dad. That this perfect day couldn't have led to this. I couldn't find any triggers that would have led to this.

I texted Marc what should I do. More time passed and I had to pee from the sweet tea that my mom had got me. I went to the bathroom and my moms room was right next door so when my Aunty went in and talked to her I could hear everything.

I heard my Aunty say something along the lines of she asked me to get her, she needs to see her son, you need to talk to her. I thought it was my tenant, but since her son wouldn't be home without her since he is young. It could have only been one other person. My dad.

I finally grew the courage to face the reality I knew that was coming. I left the bathroom I had been waiting in and entered my mom's room.

She had said the words that I was really hoping she wouldn't say.

"Jonathan's dead."

I asked her if she was joking because I just didn't want to believe it. How could I? He had hung himself and I didn't even know. She told me to stay in my room. She always said that to me when something bad happened.

I went to my room and the reality hit me. It was 1am and I had texted Marc giving him my permission to go to sleep. He said he was sorry and gave me condolences.

I over heard my mom on the phone with my dad's dad. She said he used the dog leash.

I was compelled to do research. Looked up if it hurt to hang your self. I will continue research because I need to know. I couldn't see my dad like that. Hanging outside by my dogs leash. I couldn't help picturing what he looked like swinging. This whole time the tears wouldn't stop. I looked up if it hurt to hang yourself. I read that shock usually absorbed the pain and that you pass out in around 13 seconds. Too fast to really feel pain or to save yourself. I wondered how he did it. What was going on in his head. What he thought about. Did he think about me? He was always the one who came to me when I had suicidal thoughts. He was my support. I felt that life would be better without me. He told me that it wasn't true and that he didn't like hearing me say that. He would give me a hug. Now he is gone.

My Aunty came in and told me not to leave my mom alone. So I sat with her in the room. My mom seemed calm and talked on the phone to my other Aunty. Then at random times she would burst out in tears. I stared at my brother in the play pin who had recently turned 3. At this point it didn't occur to me he couldn't remember his dad. Like I didn't know mine. I would tell him all about him and how amazing he was. How much he loved us all.

I got my mom some water. My mom went outside again. My dad's body was outside in our yard. I was too scared to go see him like that. I am hoping I never wish to see it and I hope I never regret not seeing him.

I believe the police were coming. My dad's mom was there. I went to my room to think some more. I couldn't sleep. I felt bad knowing he was there dead and I would have the audacity to sleep. The idea still hasn't wrapped around my head that my dad is truly gone. That his heart stopped and his soul is no longer in his body. I prayed and the tears kept flooding. I knew my God would have mercy on his soul. I prayed and I told God he deserves the world and that he didn't deserve this. That he should have helped him and since he couldn't he owes him the right to heaven. My dad was good. He went to church every Sunday. I'm not sure if we can go tomorrow.

I was debating on buying crocs yesterday. I decided not to because my dad wasn't allowed to work and it was just my mom and I didn't want to be selfish with my money. I'm glad I didn't. My friends had wanted to plan an outing this weekend. I'm glad I didn't.

My grandpa keeps coming in to check on me. He is strong. My grandma is a mess of tears. Just like me. I am still lost and confused. Mostly sad. Crying while writing this. I don't know what happened or why. I miss him so much and I don't know what life is going to be like without him, he made life better. Since he came in my life he was always supportive of me. My biggest regret was my inability to call him dad. After my first dad left I couldn't call anyone that. Jonathan was better than a dad. He was the best person. Knowing what I know I don't understand how he could do what he did. I keep thinking about how he left me like my first dad did. Then I remind myself that is selfish to compare them before because is not my dad. Jonathan was better. I will miss him forever.

He was suppose to see me graduate and get married and meet my kids. My siblings will be devastated. I'm devastated. Everyone is. He wasn't suppose to leave. My mind continues to ask questions that I don't have the answers too. It's 3 am and I can't sleep. I miss him.