30 days of me(Spoiler: it's not exactly 30 days straight...)

April 11, 2019

So it has been a very long time since I wrote in this. My phone was taken away and I could have continued writing with my tablet, but I was getting to a point of being so sad that I didn't want to write it down. I really tried hard in school and having good relationships with my friends. It was working really well in distracting me from how sad I was. How bad I felt about everything.

It didn't stay like that long. Too much happened to go over it again right now. In these last two months alone too much happened. The biggest things is that I failed the third quarter of my junior year of high school. Not because I didn't try, I did. Really hard. First of all my mom, my siblings and I moved. Then my mother got sick. She passed it to my siblings and I stayed home from school to help her watch them. Which resulted in me being sick. So I was out of school for about 2 weeks straight.

I failed all my classes from my absences because my mom couldn't take us to the doctors. Then the rest of the quarter I felt like the world was against me because it took away all the hard work I put it.

The same time we had moved, my best friends dad had passed away. I remember that she didn't really go out as much, but she wanted to see my new place so she made time to hang out with me. Seeing her dad made all these feelings I was trying to hide come out. I felt bad that I wasn't able to be there for her by missing so much school. There was my three other best friends who went to school thought so hopefully it was okay. Oh right, my other best friend Julie said we shouldn't be best friends anymore. I don't want to get into it, but when I returned to school it was the first time we talked in two months.

Marc was really supportive through all of my bad times to be honest. I was really surprised and I am really thankful to have him as a best friend. He is encouraging me to come to school. I am honestly really trying. But since the time I was sick I haven't been able to sleep at night. I literally can't sleep until the sun comes up. It's 3:30am on a school night that I decided to be writing this. These past two weeks I have been sleeping at 5/6 am.

I'm probably going to fail this quarter as well. I can't leave me house without a lot of anxiety. My mom tried to get me someone to talk to, but they keep rescheduling or something. I'm not sure at this point.

My teacher Mr. Sana has also been very understanding and the first day I came back he told me he would try to help me get at least a D in my class. That now that I was coming back I should take it as a new start, but yesterday was the mid quarter and I haven't done anything at all so far. Oh yeah, I didn't go to school yesterday either. If I could cry I would be crying right now as I write and reflect.

I missed water polo season. If you play sports you probably know how I feel. I really wanted to improve and be a good team member. I was so ready this year. I conditioned a lot in the time that I stopped writing in this log and coach said he could see my improvements. He even thought I had been training outside of school. I was so proud and excited. When I got sick, I had not only stopped going to school I stopped going to waterpolo. I didn't want to have to tell everyone why I stopped showing up to classes, but I could go to practice. Then when I was about to return to school I couldn't return to waterpolo because of the pressure. I wasn't mentally ready. Not physically ready.

I needed to focus on school. Then again I had so much anxiety of what people would think and how much work I had to do. I couldn't leave me house without being tired and scared. Being fatigued and frightened is not a good combo. I waited to get my ACT scores back and I was disappointed. My pre score was 21 and I felt like I knew nothing. Thinking that since I knew more since I learned what I needed to Junior year that I would improve from that I expected a 28.... I got a 19. I'm thinking about retaking it and I will also have to take the SAT.

I hope to do online school to make up my grades in the summer. My mom and I were planning a Paris trip before all this happened. I just need summer and senior year to come by faster.

My mom got a new boyfriend. I don't know how to spell his name. They clash heads a lot. She is already too invested into him though so I don't see that changing anytime soon. He has a son named Shayzon. He is cool when he is chill. But he is a 13 year old and most of them get too wild sometimes. I suggested summer fun because it would really teach him responsibility and how you can have fun and be respectful and responsible at the same time.

I'm going to start working out to help with my anxiety. As well as to lose weight before it's an insecurity of mine. I got a studio set up, but I've been distracted with feeling bad for myself to record anything yet. As well as my siblings make too much trouble. Oh right, I decided I will 100% go in the music path. Also my college dream/career after music is politics. Like international relations maybe.

I'm tired so I think I will just head to bed. I want to end with things I'm grateful for. Thankful for my mom and siblings. I'm really thankful for my friends. They are always there for me. Thankful for God. Even thought life is had I always have to think about the things I can look forward to and be grateful for.